We’ve all sat there and been regaled by some after-dinner funnies and, like much of our own play, it can be very hit and miss. So I punched “best golf jokes” into Google and decided whether they work or not…
Best golf jokes: R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Four retired men play golf together once a week for many years. One day a funeral procession drives by the course. One man says to the others: “Stop and remove your hats, gentlemen. Show some respect.”
One of the other men asks what’s got into him. “I have never seen you show anybody any respect.”
The first man replies: “Well I was married to her for 65 years.”
Verdict: Good, simple sexist fodder though the attention to detail with the 65 years of marriage puts this fourball in their late ’80s.
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Best golf jokes: Caddiesmack
A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, “Kid, you’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world.”
The caddie replies: “Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence.”
Verdict: Not bad and a punchline that most of us weren’t expecting. Quick and to the point though how you’re going to bring this one to the table is anyone’s guess.
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Best golf jokes: Drink and drive
If you drink, don’t drive. And don’t even putt.
Verdict: A variation of “Don’t drink and drive, you’ll spill it” and equally as horrific. Avoid.
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Best golf jokes: Clucking mad
A golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer. “I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
Verdict: Better and unlike many of its golfing jokey contemporaries the punchline can’t be said to yourself about a third of the way in. Quite quirky for a golf joke and, told in the right manner, might be worth using.
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Best golf jokes: Head scratcher
“Do you play off scratch?” said one player.
The other replied: “I sure am. Every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.”
Verdict: I’m scratching my head as to why people would find this funny. Get the clever word play being used here? Golf gets stuck with some terrible ‘funnies’ – “Does your husband play?” when leaving a putt short – but this is on a new level of wrongness.
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Best golf jokes: Speed bump
A fourball watched, intrigued, as a lone player played up short of the green they were on. As they teed off on the next they noticed him quickly chip on and putt out, before running up to their tee.
Sensing their bewilderment, he said: “Sorry, do you mind if I play through – I’ve just heard that my wife has had a terrible accident and may not make it!”
Verdict: Again we’re back on the safe ground of ‘er indoors and huge guffaws from a load of boring men.
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Best golf jokes: Swing thoughts
Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, “Hit the new Titleist Pro V1.”
The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing.
The voice comes back, “Never mind, hit a range ball.”
Verdict: Some simple fodder that probably is best saved for your saddest collection of golfing contemporaries. If you take this one outside to the real world then you will, quite rightly, be met with an awkward silence.
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Best golf jokes: Second coming
A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud speaker: “Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the ladies’ tee box.”
The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud speaker.
The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: “We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the ladies’ tee box!”
To which the man turns around and yells: “And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!”
Verdict: The old classic and one for the golfing cognoscenti. We can see the punchline coming, and we might have heard it 20 times before, but, said with conviction, you can have the whole room in stitches if enough drink has been taken.
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An American citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round and is paired with three locals.
He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the 1st tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the centre of the fairway.
With a big smile, he asks the others: “In the States we call that a Mulligan. What do you called it here in Ireland?”
After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies: “Hitting three.”
Verdict: It could just as easily work in Scotland which opens it up to a larger audience. The bottom line, here being, that nobody likes a cheat.
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Best golf jokes: Swing and a miss
A married couple played golf together every day. One day the man and his wife were on the 1st tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies’ tee.
He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.
She fell face down on the tee, didn’t know what hit her.
They had an inquest on the wife’s death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.
The husband said, “Yes, that was my ball.”
The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman’s backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?
The husband said, “Oh that must have been my provisional.”
Verdict: This may just be me but the best of a bad bunch by a long way. There’s a brief panic that things are going to get a bit seedy but then the pay-off does the job.
Related article: Why has hitting a provisional become a stigma?
Can’t get enough of our rundown of the best golf jokes? There are more on the next page…
Best golf jokes: And the rest
Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them? In case they get a hole in one.
**
On the tee a man unfamiliar to the course asks his playing partner the best part of the fairway to be on. “The top,” he replied.
**
A player walks in after his round and the pro says: “Did you have a good time out there?”
The man replied “Fabulous, thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?”
“Easy,” replied the man. “I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!”
**
A husband and wife were golfing when the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The husband said: “No sweetie.”
The woman said: “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said: “Okay, I would”
Then the woman asked: “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied: “I guess so.”
Then the wife asked: “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the husband replied: “No, she’s left handed.”
On the first tee, John turns to Dave and says, “Play for £10?” Gary agrees, and they start their round.
The lifelong friends reach the 9th tee with John ahead by one. After Dave hits a great drive, right down the middle, John steps up and promptly hooks it into the deep rough and trees.
They look and look and look, but no ball can be found. The three-minute time limit on searching for lost balls is about to run out. John takes a quick glance over to Dave to see if he is looking, then reaches into his pocket and drops a new ball into the rough.
“Found it!” John says triumphantly.
Dave looks at his friend with great disappointment. “After all the years we’ve been friends,” he says, “you’d cheat at golf for a measly 10 quid?”
“What do you mean ‘cheat’?” John replies. “I found my ball sitting right here.”
Dave lets out a heavy sigh. “And you’d lie to me, too? All for a tiny sum of money? You’d cheat me and lie to me, for what? For £10? I can’t believe you’d stoop so low.”
John replies: “What makes you so sure I’m cheating and lying?”
“Because,” Dave replies, “I’ve been standing on your ball for the last three minutes!”
**
After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.” The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
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