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Strap yourselves in – it's golf's funniest jokes

Strap yourselves in – it’s golf’s funniest jokes

In this week's Notebook we collate some of our 'favourite' golfing jokes and then assess whether they are going to have you rolling about the aisles?
 

Best golf jokes: And the rest

Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them? In case they get a hole in one.

**

On the tee a man unfamiliar to the course asks his playing partner the best part of the fairway to be on. “The top,” he replied.

**

A player walks in after his round and the pro says: “Did you have a good time out there?”

The man replied “Fabulous, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?”

“Easy,” replied the man. “I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!”

**

A husband and wife were golfing when the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”

The husband said: “No sweetie.”

The woman said: “I’m sure you would.”

So the man said: “Okay, I would”

Then the woman asked: “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the man replied: “I guess so.”

Then the wife asked: “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the husband replied: “No, she’s left handed.”

health benefits of golf

On the first tee, John turns to Dave and says, “Play for £10?” Gary agrees, and they start their round.

The lifelong friends reach the 9th tee with John ahead by one. After Dave hits a great drive, right down the middle, John steps up and promptly hooks it into the deep rough and trees.

They look and look and look, but no ball can be found. The three-minute time limit on searching for lost balls is about to run out. John takes a quick glance over to Dave to see if he is looking, then reaches into his pocket and drops a new ball into the rough.

“Found it!” John says triumphantly.

Dave looks at his friend with great disappointment. “After all the years we’ve been friends,” he says, “you’d cheat at golf for a measly 10 quid?”

“What do you mean ‘cheat’?” John replies. “I found my ball sitting right here.”

Dave lets out a heavy sigh. “And you’d lie to me, too? All for a tiny sum of money? You’d cheat me and lie to me, for what? For £10? I can’t believe you’d stoop so low.”

John replies: “What makes you so sure I’m cheating and lying?”

“Because,” Dave replies, “I’ve been standing on your ball for the last three minutes!”

**

After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.” The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”

Are we missing one? Let us know in the comments below, or join the conversation on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

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Mark Townsend

Been watching and playing golf since the early 80s and generally still stuck in this period. Huge fan of all things Robert Rock, less so white belts. Handicap of 8, fragile mind and short game

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