A few weeks back a colleague messaged saying that the course they were playing on the PGA Tour that week was so boring it “would put a glass eye to sleep.” So I wrote a blog about it.
When one of the guys read it in the Caddie Lounge later that week, he burst out laughing before exclaiming, “You read the latest from this Secret Tour Caddie? He’s saying that the courses are boring. What about the bloody players?” It was loud enough for everyone to hear.
Everyone who did laughed. Including me, but more at the second bit than the first. Because that was also funny. Harsh but funny as most truisms are. And round our table at least, there was wholehearted agreement. Because when was the last time you actually heard a professional golfer actually give a really honest opinion, or say anything remotely controversial?
Instead what you tend to get is a stream of rehearsed platitudes and PR-speak straight from the management group cheat sheet. To the extent that if you believed everything you read or heard, you’d be forgiven for thinking that every course we play on is a fantastic layout, in superb condition, they’ve always wanted to play here, and the putter just needs to warm up.
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The Secret Tour Caddy: Why are golfers so boring?
Ask me or any of my colleagues the same questions and instead of “The course is fantastic”, you’d get “It’s a goat track; never seen hills like it; someone could well die this week”.
Instead of “it’s in superb condition”, you’d get “the greens are like puddings from first thing; our local muni is in better nick”.
Instead of “I’ve always wanted to come play here,” you’d get “he’s only here because they paid him to play. And
by the way, where’s my free room?”
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Instead of “just need to hole a few more putts”, you’d get “putted like a w****r” like Brian Barnes of yesteryear. Now I appreciate they can’t really say these things because if they did, fines would rain down and apologies would have to be made. But still, come on.
Worse still was that recent Ryder Cup press conference with Keegan Bradley and Luke Donald. Talk about deflecting awkward questions around what the behaviour of the fans might, or likely will, be like. The captains answered that it would be “good-natured” and “boisterous” – exactly what you’d expect.
Every tour caddie I know would have answered, “The atmosphere will, as ever over there, be poisonous; the legions of pissed-up morons trying to get their inane shout on TV will make The Open at Hoylake look like the last bastion of golf decorum, and Samuel Ryder would turn in his grave at what he created has become.”
This would have been much more truthful as well as being way better copy. All of which is a long-winded way of saying I’ve never understood why golf journalists the world over don’t give up on the purveyors of platitude, and head straight to the Caddie Lounge where they’d hear exactly the insightful honest opposite.
Frankly, it’s high time they did.
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Why are golfers so boring? Are they boring at all? Do you agree with The Secret Tour Caddy? Tell us on X!
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