Did you know there is a type of fly that is said to have the fastest reaction times on the planet? Scientists have measured the reflex response from the Condylostylus genus – a name that’s bound to catch on – to be less than 5 milliseconds.
It’s quick, I’ll grant you. But not swift enough. I reckon if the boffins from the Guinness Book of Records were on hand the moment tee times go live at my club, they’d discover our buzzy friends are morbidly obese diabetes-stricken wrecks compared to some of the Olympic athletes dominating our sign-ups.
Fastest finger first? Some of these f- (hold on, I’ll be polite for once) have clearly been in training for years. They’re so speedy Wada should be dropping in to carry out spot doping tests.
I blame technology. Who says progress makes anything better? Mark my words, it’s a short run from tee time apps to being under the jackboot of the machine overlords. You have been warned.
I also blame Covid. That was the point the golf tee time app really took over. Snuck in under the guise of ‘needing to know who was on the course for test and trace’ it’s now the only way many of us can book a berth on the course.
What was wrong with the sheet? Now that was an event. You’d assemble at the club – drink might be taken, you’d have a chat with your pals – and then queue (in an orderly fashion, mind) to stick your moniker on a piece of paper.
It would just sort itself out. Everyone knew where to put their names. It was ordered. It was gentlemanly, and you’d be three-pints-deep to boot. Great days, I tell you. Great days.
Why is using a golf tee time app such a pain!?
Now it’s a freaking free-for-all. I sit staring at a phone screen watching a wheel of death or, when I’m not chucking it at a wall in a rage, I’m having to constantly refresh because the time I want has disappeared in the fractions between the slot appearing and me clicking on it.
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Vorsprung Durch Technik? I don’t think so.
If this was a random frustration that would be one thing. But I’m convinced something more malevolent might be at play.
Look at the list! How has that group got that 9am slot again? For the fifth consecutive week? I sense foul play.
Think I’m being paranoid? At a former club of mine, so many members got suspicious and paranoid about the supposed tee grab they demanded the committee carried out an investigation.
We all suspected the IT whizz – I don’t think he was a coding genius, he just happened to have quicker broadband than the 28.8k modem the rest of us were using – and the results of the inquiry made vague references to ad hoc systems and pleas for everyone to play fair.
Nothing much has changed. The same groups still bag the times, and the rest of us still moan on about it.
It can’t carry on like this. I’m getting arthritis in my index figure, for a start. Bring back balls in the chute, I say.
Now have your say
Has the Angry Club Golfer got this right? Is the golf tee time app a disaster, or should he stop moaning and get in the queue? Let us know by leaving a comment on X.
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