Stableford? That's when the cheats come out to play golf!

I laugh when people moan on about the World Handicap System. Want to see a real ‘cheat’s charter’? Play in a Stableford.

I’m a purist. Nothing beats the tough discipline required to succeed in a medal – a format where if you shoot a cricket score on any given hole you plummet to the bottom of the pack. Right where you deserve to be.

But not so in Stableford. A game where you don’t have to put a number on the scorecard. A game where you don’t even have to put the ball in the hole. Yes, you can pick up, can still shoot 40-odd points, and walk off with the cash!

It’s no wonder higher handicappers love it. You can meet disaster and laugh in its face. It’s golf on stabilisers – the equivalent of having rails on the bowling lane.

It takes excellence and ships it off to the vet to have its balls chopped off. Do you see many scratch golfers winning a Stableford? They have to break the course record just to get into the top 30.

Off single figures? Have the game of your life and you’re still going to get chinned by the player who’s got blobs on the card but on the key holes just happened to miss the ball fractionally less than normal.

Why is nearly every competition a Stableford?

And let’s not even get started on some of these handicaps. Oh, you don’t like entering medals, do you? I wonder why. I’ll tell you, Stablefords are where some cheats come out to play. At least Dick Turpin wore a mask.

The whole concept just reeks of failure. It only came about in the first place because some doctor was moaning about the wind at Wallasey. That was hardly cause to change the game as we knew it.

I’d complain less about them if they weren’t everywhere. It seems nearly all comps now are played for points.

You can barely put your name into the computer without shelling out for another one. Individuals, fourballs, foursomes – will the madness ever stop?

It also wouldn’t be quite so bad if they were faster. That’s meant to be one of this format’s redeeming points, isn’t it? That it speeds up play, because you don’t always have to hole out?

So why are there always the five words I dread to hear? “I’ll just have a practice.” Will you now? Didn’t you get enough of that with the octuplet of shots that led to this point?

No, you’ll potter on regardless – even though it’s quite literally pointless – seeping what’s left of my remaining life force while the group behind pace up and down in frustration.

Then you demand I write ‘10’ on the scorecard instead of the big slash I’m really sticking through your entire section.

Everything in moderation, isn’t that what they say? So why do our clubs act like it’s the only game in town?

Variety is the spice of life. Give us a break, play something different, and let someone whose handicap isn’t in the high double digits have a go!

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Angry Club Golfer

Weeding out the cheats: Taking on the role of a rules secretary

Bitter from the first moment he picked up a club, there is not much that doesn’t attract the Angry Club Golfer’s ire.

Whether it’s handicaps, slow play, or even the quality of a bacon sandwich, this veteran of the clubhouse has always got a view – and far more likely to have a complaint.

He’s a bit of all of us. So if you’ve ever raised an eyebrow at dress codes or flashed a frustrated frown as a slow group in front refuses to move aside to let you through, the Angry Club Golfer embodies your concerns and dials up the volume.

Liked and loathed in equal measure, the one thing you won’t ever see is him sitting on the fence. The clue is the name. He gets cross about golf. A lot. So buckle up and prepare to watch sparks fly.