The worst types of golfer at your club: How many do you know?

Do you know I actually love golf? What I don’t love is the infuriating things people do on the course and at the club.

You can’t help it. I know this. I should just live and let live. But my favourite tipple is off in the bar, I’m parched, and someone is talking me through their 105 shot-by-shot.

While I’m in a prickly mood, I’m going to talk about you – the worst types of golfer. The ones who definitely make me sullen at the club.

I’m going deeper than the obvious. Everyone knows a slowcoach. But I’m sure you’re going to recognise some of these characters. If you see yourself, cease and desist immediately.

Feel free to reveal your own. This is a meritocracy. You can leave your whines at my account on X.

Anyway, onwards…

The worst types of golfer at your club

The woke David Bailey

Oh, what an exciting day. You’ve had this leather thing, that looks like something Bobby Jones once carried, imported at a mortgage-popping price.

You’ve got the weird wooden slats too (an optional, and expensive, extra) and I’m not sure whether you want to play golf or make love to it.

I do know you’re not interested in holing out – at least in the conventional sense. No, you want to take ‘exciting’ snaps on your phone with your new love perched suggestively against the side of buildings or draped over a strangely shaped bunker.

What horrors exist on your Instagram?

The ‘Put me down for a 9’

I would, but it’s a Stableford and you weren’t able to score on this par 3 several shots ago. But did you pick up? No, you did not.

“I’ll just have a practice,” you say, before three-jabbing the green while two groups are doing the double teapot on the tee behind.

Then you demand I write ‘9’ on the scorecard instead of the big slash I’m actually sticking through your entire section.

The tour wannabe

All the gear, no idea was invented for you. You’re wielding a remote controlled trolley, you’ve got the latest limited edition tour bag and all of your clubs have spent far too long in the custom shop.

Your polo shirt has got all your hero’s logos on – you know they’re getting paid for that, right? – and everything about your set up screams expense.

Apart from your opening tee shot, which never looks like being a fairway finder. It’s going to be a long day.

The one with iron covers

Just don’t. See also: People who refer to their clubs as “bats” or “sticks”.

Now have your say

Does this chime with your thoughts on the worst types of golfer at your club? What drives you mad on the golf course? Leave your woes in the comments, or hassle the Angry Club Golfer on X.

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