The words I hate to hear on a golf course: Do you come out with any of these?

My God, you guys talk some rubbish. Even more than me. I’ve heard it all on the golf course. Whining about your luck. Moaning about the greens. Cursing phantom bandits.

When you’re around it constantly, you develop a certain tolerance for idiocy. But there are some things club golfers say that send me to distraction.

If you’re one of the entitled lot that comes out with this guff, I warn you to spare me the lecture. But if you’re curious about what could wind me up quite so much, here’s just a trio of the sentences annoying golfers say that send me into madness.

Annoying golfers: The 3 phrases that drive me nuts

‘We’re in a match’

This is the golfing equivalent of the ‘Collect as you pass go’ square in Monopoly. It gives anyone who utters these sacred four words carte blanche to do whatever they want – and get into a right huff if you dare to challenge them.

Getting ready to tee off? ‘We’re in a match’.

Held up by the group in front? ‘We’re in a match’.

Are they cutting in for sudden death holes? Yes, you’ve guessed it.

‘WE’RE IN A MATCH’

I don’t really care what your club might say about priority on the course in competitions, it’s quite the display to try and swat other players out of the way on the grounds your round of golf is somehow more important than theirs.

You may believe your winter knockout preliminary round clash is the final stage of a major. You are alone in that. No one else cares.

‘You’ve got no standing’

I used to think this was an urban myth but go back far enough and you’ll find a point when single players were considered little more than pond life.

Billy no mates? Fancy a bit of me time out on the course. You were often in a tricky spot.

“A single player has no standing and should give way to a match of any kind,” was the firm and unambiguous way the rule book put it.

Know your place singletons. It’s your own fault for not having any friends.

It’s been 20 years since this was removed from the Rules of Golf but, as with all things in this game, old habits die hard.

Come racing up on the backs of curmudgeonly group and you’ll still hear it spouted. Fine, but why you’d want someone pressing on your spine for the rest of your round is beyond me.

I’ll try not to hit up the ankles of your fourball and maybe you might deem it reasonable to let me through at some point?

At any rate, let’s consign the ‘standing’ noun to where it belongs – the golfing dustbin of history.

‘I’m sorry if we held you up’

This might be worse than the other old favourite, ‘you can’t go anywhere’. That’s because here there is the full realisation you were causing a delay in play but had no compunction to do anything about it when it counted.

Now you’ve found a conscious, or you’ve seen the vein bulging out of my temple as I’ve been death-staring you for the past 10 minutes, and you’ve come up with this lame half apology.

‘I’m sorry if we held you up’ should come with Netflix-style subtitles. What you really mean is: “I’m not sorry at all but you look pretty cross and I’d really rather avoid getting a pint chucked over me”.

If you’re planning on trotting this out, save your breath. It’s going to be as welcome as watching your endless practice swings.

Now have your say on annoying golfers

Another insane rant from the Angry Club Golfer, or has he got a point when it comes to annoying golfers and what they say? What are the ones that irk you the most? Let him know by dropping him a line on X.

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