We all like to think we’re all good members, good company on the course and good fun off it. Golf is a hobby and, given that we don’t get a chance to practise our favourite hobby very much, we’re good at taking the rough with the smooth. We’re all grown up enough to appreciate that there will be good days, average days and the odd embarrassing one, so we take it in our stride, smell the roses and enjoy the ride.
Except we don’t, do we? We act oddly, stranger than at any other point of the week and our mood can, sadly, be determined by how the ‘flat stick’ (it’s a putter, we even make up variations on words to be part of the golfing gang) is behaving. We’re idiosyncratic and, over the next 10 minutes, we are going to find out quite how erratic your behaviour has become.
(It’s quite simple: score yourself on each question and keep your total)
It is 4.30pm on a Tuesday, you have tiptoed out of work early to play Tony in the singles and there is just one person on the putting green at 4.26pm.
DO YOU..
a) Say hello, make some small talk about the weather and hit a few putts (1)
b) Acknowledge Tony but proceed to run through your pre-round drill of hitting (missing) putts from the four points of the compass (2)
c) Ignore Tony and then act stunned when you reconvene on the 1st tee 15 yards away from where you have just been (3)
Andy the club pro is running an offer of six lessons for £50 which seems too good to be true. Your game has been in freefall since 2012.
DO YOU..
a) See it as a kick up the backside and the chance to turn over a new leaf. You book the lessons and begin a ‘journey’. He can be the Cowen to your Stenson (1)
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b) You can’t really be bothered but would like to get in with Andy as you’d like to get your clubs regripped and you’d like him to invest in you so you can bore him every time you buy a water and a KitKat. You see it as a bit of leverage and sign up (2)
c) You heard that he did nothing for your mate Brian’s game so you write him off as a rubbish teacher to all and sundry (3)
It’s the Spring Meeting and you suspect that your playing partner is up to no good, not for the first time today, as his foot appears to be making involuntary movements in the direction of his ball in the rough. You might be wrong but you think foul play is at hand.
DO YOU..
a) Ask the third member of the group to keep an eye out but say nothing for now (1)
b) Have a quiet word at the end of the round, before signing the card, and enquire what was going on (1)
c) Confront him, shout ‘CHEAT’ at the top of your voice and frogmarch him to the clubhouse. Then contact the local press (3)
A new member, Tim, has drawn you in the Walter Johnson Bowl. He’s only been playing the game for a couple of years – ‘I love it’ – and he is yet to grasp your high standards of etiquette. Quite innocently he stands behind you when you’re putting.
DO YOU..
a) Point out the rules quietly, clearly and with a smile. He’ll be crushed by the semi ticking off so keep it brief (1)
b) Claim the hole and walk to the next tee (3)
c) Talk under your breath for the next two holes and then, not being able to help yourself, come out with a snidey and unfunny comment along the lines of ‘do you want to take a picture?’ Before playing the rest of the round in silence (2)
A new assistant pro joins the club, the fourth in the last two years.
DO YOU..
a) Go out of your way to introduce yourself and make a mental note to remember his name (1)
b) Pay for your water and KitKat, smile weakly and leave (2)
c) He’s not the pro and will probably be off soon anyway. Then start up a dreadful conversation six months later when you need those grips doing (3)
Everyone has got the new Ping driver and it is the talk of all your mates. You’ve got a special birthday coming up so you treat yourself and go and pay a visit to your local pro, Simon.
DO YOU..
A) Put some business your pro’s way, it’s an extra £15 but that’s not going to break the bank and we all want to get along.
Also, he might throw in a new grip (with your preferred couple of layers) (1)
B) Buy the club but grind Simon into the dirt on price (3)
C) Make the most of Simon’s new indoor studio, get fitted, pick his brains for 20 minutes. And as soon as the Wi-Fi in the clubhouse comes up, buy the club online (3)
It’s not been a good front nine and you are heading for the turn on 12 points. Your ball is already in your pocket/a nearby field as the halfway house beckons.
DO YOU..
A) Give the group a little lift by taking an order for bacon and egg baps and three cups of tea. ’You want a cup of soup too, Dave? No problem’ (1)
B) Make a point of putting the flag back in, take an inordinate amount of time to add up your scores and try and catch your playing partner’s eye at the precise moment that he orders some food (3)
C) You embarrass your regular playing partner with the information that he last bought a sandwich in May and it is now the Turkey Shoot (3)
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It’s Wednesday night and the juniors have got a match against the local club.
DO YOU..
A) Bring some clubs and balls down that have been sitting in the garage since 2009 and pass them on to the junior organiser (1)
B) Go and support them. You’re going to miss the Champions League but you remember only too well how amazing it felt for a member to show any interest in you when you were their age (1)
C) Cut in behind the first match and play two balls (3)
Your round has been a shambles and the new swing thoughts haven’t worked out as planned. There are four holes to play and you have just No Returned. Somewhere in a recess of your addled brain you are aware that your playing partner is going along quite nicely.
DO YOU..
A) Sulk even more and continue to give a running commentary on the vagaries of your ball flight. After another slice at 16 your head comes off and you insert your 5-iron into your golf bag (3)
B) Start attempting some cavalier shots to amuse yourself/show off and turn the rest of the round into a bit of a joke. Before repeatedly asking how his score is coming along (3)
C) Keep the rhythm of the round going, encourage your playing partner when needed and keep things nice and light (1)
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It’s the first round of the Hahn Salver and you’ve drawn Graeme, who plays off 23. And not a very good 23.
DO YOU..
A) Quickly have a word with yourself and remind yourself that it is just a number. Turns out, after a bit of chat, that Graeme and you support the same football team and your kids go to the same school. Who would have thought it? (1)
B) Start dishing out swing advice from the 3rd tee onwards having won the first two holes (3)
C) Patronise him from the opening shot. You’re not likely to be big golfing buddies and so play much of the round out in silence (3)
Click here for part two
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