The unmistakable signs you’re being hustled by a match play bandit

I should adore match play. Mano-a-mano combat. The whiff of weakness to be exploited. Survival of the fittest. It’s brutal. It’s exhilarating. It’s everything I want my golf to be. Nature at its finest.

But knockouts are nothing like they should be. They’re populated by sneaks. Unencumbered by the harsh glare of the handicap committee in medals and Stablefords, match play is where they roam. They’re the weasels and rats of the clubhouse and they mop up at your expense.

Though they are in their natural environment, there are ways of spotting them in the wilderness of the fairways and greens. They might think they’re clever. They might think they are devious. But they leave telltale signs. They have little ticks and tells that reveal their true colours.

So if you see or hear any of the following, immediately realise you’re going to be right up against it. Use this information wisely…

Here’s how you know you’re being hustled by a match play bandit

‘I’ve been playing terribly for ages’

An opening gambit that immediately follows the 1st tee handshake and it’s a huge red flag. Buckle up, it’s going to be a long day.

It’s not even a clever piece of reverse psychology. I don’t know what they’re trying to prove or whose head they think they’re getting into.

But if this comes out of the mouth of your opponent, steel yourself. Expect the ‘round of their life’. You are bang up against it now.

They know the handicap calculations inside and out

This isn’t someone who is playing for a laugh or for the enjoyment of the game. They’ve spent the weeks leading up to this clash in deep study. The subject? You.

They’ve been through all your competition results. They know your differentials off by heart. They know your handicap to the decimal point.

Some of us, without assistance, can have a hard time working out the allowances on the 1st tee. Is it 100 per cent? Is it 90 per cent? For god’s sake, can someone give me a calculator?

Not this player. They know what they’re getting and they know exactly what you’re getting – or far more likely, what you’re giving away.

Not only that, they will remind you of it every chance they get. Clutch putt coming up? ‘Remember I get a shot on this hole’.

Tricky chip? You can see where this is going. A crucial drive? Yes, I know you’re getting a shot! It feels like you’ve been getting one on every hole!

Their opening drive is better than anything you’ve hit in months

It has a penetrative flight that looks unfamiliar. That’s because you’ve never managed to produce it. Necks, thins, skies, the occasional top – these are the territory of the average hacker. The true club player.

But this golfer is toting a swing speed more suited to the PGA Tour and they’ve absolutely crushed it down the middle.

One swallow does not make a summer. But if you’re giving away a bunch of shots (you always are) and your opponent has not only outdriven you by 30 yards but nutted it in the process, you are entitled to question the natural order of things.

‘I’ve never birdied that hole before’

Oh, just do one. Yes, your opponent is allowed to play well. They’re even allowed to hit a number of good shots. But they play golf all the time – they’ve spent the last half a dozen holes going all Alan Whicker on me – so let’s not pretend in the hundreds of occasions they’ve played this course that they are now managing anything for the first time. This isn’t a feat, it’s a fib.

But I’m raging now. They are successfully getting into my head and, of course, that’s point, isn’t it?

Now have your say

What do you think? Has the Angry Club Golfer made a good match play point? Or should he just get his own game in order? Let us know by leaving a comment on X.

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