Did you know more people use Google to search for “how to cheat at golf” than “how to deal with golf cheats”? Now why doesn’t that surprise me?
I’m sure some of you will say hanging is too good for those scorecard manipulators. I wouldn’t argue but these are more enlightened times. We no longer string people up – even if they’re caught pinching an inch.
That said, I’m not against dishing out some old school punishments for those found fiddling their scorecard numbers.
Here is what I’m thinking. Bring back stockades. But instead of hurling some rotten tomatoes, we chuck a set of soiled old balatas at the disgraced.
They were more lethal than they looked. The slightest nick – they were so easy to slice – and the elastic used to unwind out of the gaping wound like some unravelled intestines.
A cut balata was sharper than a chef’s blade too.
Just hear me out. The randomness of it would be delicious. Slash, or no slash? It would certainly raise the eyebrow next time one of thee traitors thought about ‘finding’ their ball right by their trolley. Do you feel lucky now?
Why won’t we tackle golf cheats?
It’ll never happen, though. Why? Because we’re cowards. We’re afraid of exposing deceit. “I’ve come to play golf, not get into a ruck”. So we run and hide even when we’re convinced someone has changed a 5 to a 4.
We’d rather huddle in our little groups and huff over those we think are taking the proverbial. But who is really the bigger sinner – the criminal, or those who let the deeds go unpunished?
I’m not going to lie. I’ve been as guilty as you. I’ve whimpered over another spurious provisional ball. I’ve kept quiet after seeing another ridiculous Houdini-like escape from the sort of foliage that makes Sherwood Forest look like a small spruce.
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Well, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of seeing my internet clogged with pictures of suspect handicap records and people crying about another preposterous score.
If you believe people are taking liberties, and you can properly back it up, do something about it. Annoy your committees, and don’t let them fob you off.
Now, where’s my placard?
Now have your say
Have you taken a cheat to task, or should the Angry Club Golfer practise what he preaches? Let him know in the comments, or get hold of him on X.
