Dialled In: The new golf game that will take over your life

Hello. Welcome to another edition of Dialled In, where I want to share a new game with you inspired by The Alwoodley Golf Club.

Here’s the backstory: I was joined by colleagues Dan Murphy, James Savage and Steve Carroll for a knock round one of the country’s finest last week.

Photos were shared on Twitter, as is the norm these days, and James told a tale from backalong where a friend of his had tweeted about Alwoodley, only to tag the American musician Al Woodley.

A humorous enough anecdote, but it has started a game that has taken over the last few days of our lives. The NCG WhatsApp group is now inundated with golf course/musician crossover puns – and it’s time to open it up to the masses.

For the record, here are my top 5:

Banana Valderrama
Brabazon Zoo
Carn Ice T
Faith No Muirfield
ABBA Dhabi Golf Club

Other commendable efforts: Elvis Preswickly, Mumford and Sunningdale, Def Leopard’s Creek, Newquays on the Block, Merion Manson and Bethpage Black Sabbath.

If you’ve got a good one, tweet us and let us know.

Warning: This game will take over your life.

Singing in the rain sun

We’ve wanted to do this for a while, so when we organised some time with Andy Sullivan in Abu Dhabi there was no one else we were going to ask to be the first guest on NCG’s Cartpool Karaoke.

It took a couple of minutes to convince him – “You’re more likely to get me running across the driving range naked than you are singing on camera” – but he stepped up to the plate like the true pro that he is.

The big question is: Who’s next?

Torrey Pinezzz

We’re all a bit sleepy and grumpy this morning because the Farmers Insurance Open didn’t finish until 2am here in the UK – and WE STILL DON’T HAVE A WINNER.

Jason Day and Alex Noren will return to Torrey Pines’ South course on Monday after darkness halted their play-off after five holes and counting.

But it might not have been necessary had a few players just got on with it. JB Holmes is in golf’s doghouse this morning after taking an age to hit his approach shot at the par-5 18th on Sunday.

It was clocked at four minutes and 10 seconds. More than four minutes for co-leader Alex Noren to hang around and wait for his opponent to hit a shot.

And then, when he does hit it, he lays up! Two shots off the lead on a par-5 and he lays up!

How Noren didn’t wrap a 4-iron round the back of his head, I’ll never know.

Did Holmes regret it? “No,” he said, “I was still trying to win.”

Incidentally, Holmes uses his initials rather than his actual name, John, to avoid confusion with the notorious adult film star of the ‘70s and ‘80s, John Holmes. You can write the massive tool gag yourselves.

JB Holmes did his best 15 handicap impression: wait for the green to clear on a par 5 from 240 and then duff the 3 wood. Smh.

— Ethan Zimman (@EthanZimman) January 29, 2018

"You've just got to wait and be patient" JB Holmes caddie. What nonsense. Penalize him. Six hour round!

— Robert Lusetich (@RobertLusetich) January 28, 2018

JB Holmes with one of the most egregious 72nd-hole icings that I can remember.

— Ryan Lavner (@RyanLavnerGC) January 28, 2018

I get that Torrey is tough, but Rory and Haotong could have played Dubai twice, driven over to Abu Dhabi and played there, too, and J.B. Holmes and friends would still be somewhere on the back nine.

— Kyle Porter (@KylePorterCBS) January 28, 2018

If the PGA Tour doesn’t tell Holmes in the scoring tent to add two to his score on 18 they have no courage at all.

— Larry Mowry (@larry_mowry) January 28, 2018

That performance by JB Holmes and his caddy on that second shot was one of the weakest, most bizarre things I've seen in a PGA Event in a while. And it was totally unfair to Noren. #FarmersInsuranceOpen

— Alan Gerard (@Wxmanms1) January 28, 2018

And, of course…

JB Holmes pic.twitter.com/ymZ90Su442

— Doug Gottlieb (@GottliebShow) January 28, 2018

If you’ve tweeted your take and that take is essentially six-hour rounds are bad and must be punished, please stop. We’re all thinking it.

That’s the real quiz

Torrey Pines was also about Tiger Woods’ actual comeback. (I say actual because this was an actual event with an actual cut and players that were actually trying.)

Mark Townsend has written a lot about it in his Torrey Pines wrap, but his round on Sunday was marred by another huge problem facing the PGA Tour – idiot fans.

Not cool. Never cool. pic.twitter.com/KnbhWM5LHL

— Skratch (@Skratch) January 28, 2018

If that guy got out of San Diego alive, then he’s very lucky. The next few minutes probably went a little something like this…

Desert duel

At the Dubai Desert Classic, the final round was equally as entertaining but a fraction as frustrating. It takes a special effort to overcome Rory McIlroy down the stretch, but that’s exactly what Haotong Li did as he broke all kinds of records at Emirates Golf Club.

Tournament records set by @Haotong_Li:

? Lowest score (-23)
? Most birdies (30)
? Fewest Putts per GIR (1.49)#ODDC18 pic.twitter.com/7c16e8jvZE

— The European Tour (@EuropeanTour) January 28, 2018

Despite not getting over the line, it was another week to remember for McIlroy.

Having had three months out of the game at the end of 2017, the four-time major champion has started this year with eight under-par rounds at an average of 67 that have included 44 birdies and led to two top-3 finishes.

Oh, and this…

Average drive in Dubai ?

McIlroy: 330.5 yards
Next best: 313.1 yards#ODDC18 pic.twitter.com/2qkRUY4mzt

— The European Tour (@EuropeanTour) January 28, 2018

On Wednesday in Dubai, McIlroy played in the pro-am with former One Direction star Niall Horan, Paige Spiranac and competition winner Saoirse Lambe.

Here’s a lovely video of her day that’s well worth four minutes of your day. (Certainly more than waiting four minute for JB Holmes to hit a sodding shot…)

The competition of a lifetime. 29,000 entrants, one winner.

Saoirse Lambe won the chance to play with @McIlroyRory, @NiallOfficial and @PaigeSpiranac at the #ODDC18 Pro-Am.

Here’s her story… pic.twitter.com/tm50Nfdjpb

— The European Tour (@EuropeanTour) January 27, 2018

Apropos of nothing much really, but what a life Horan has. I’m not jealous at all. I wrote about him in my ESPN days when he first burst onto the golf scene. People like him are important for this game and we need more.

Pai cheque

It was also another good week for Chris Paisley. The likeable Geordie’s record in January reads 1st at the SA Open, T5 in Abu Dhabi and 5 th in Dubai – a total prize pot of €357,167. About €15,000 more than he won in the whole of 2017. Not bad for a month’s work.

Rank insiders

This week in the world of our old friend Nosferatu…

Updates from tomorrow in #OWGR:

– youngest player in the Top 50
Haotong Li (CHN) – 22.5 y.o.

– youngest player in the Top 100
Sungjae Im (KOR) – 19.8 y.o.

– youngest player in the Top 200
Phachara Khongwatmai (THA) – 18.7 y.o.

Asian golf is rising…

— Nosferatu (@VC606) January 28, 2018

In the end @TigerWoods beat the guy who could've been no.1 in the world tomorrow. So there you go… #FarmersInsuranceOpen #OWGR pic.twitter.com/NudC6GugGD

— Nosferatu (@VC606) January 28, 2018

NEWSFLASH: @DJohnsonPGA will be safe at No.1 after @WMPhoenixOpen. @JonRahmpga cannot overtake him this week even if he wins in Phoenix. #OWGR

— Nosferatu (@VC606) January 29, 2018

Anyway, that’s all from my this week. Goodbye.