Having watched The Masters for the past 40 years I have spent a worrying amount of time wondering how I might get on should I ever get the nod to play there.
Mentally I have signed off with a birdie three and also had dreams of not being able to get off the 1st tee due to there being a bench in my way and having to wave group after group through.
This is what I think might be the most likely outcome if the ballot was kind to me…
1. Tea Olive, 445 yards, par 4, SI 9
I know, in my head, what sort of shot that I want to hit off here. A two-yard fade hit really hard to avoid the bunker or being the first person in the history of the club to flail one weakly into the giant MASTERS scoreboard.
What will probably happen is something going left and spending too long making small advances up the left-hand side. When I went to Augusta in 2013 (here we go) I watched Lee Westwood make a six, I think he doubled each of the opening holes in the first three majors, by having to bumble a handful of shots under the trees.
I would fully expect to put an Ernie Els finish to things by hockeying it around the hole.
2. Pink Dogwood, 575 yards, par 5, SI 1
I’m seeing a monster drive to the top of the hill, maybe kicking on down over the brow, before feathering a 3-wood between the bunkers which will get closer with every roll.
And the crowd went mad…
Channel your inner Oosthuizen…
I don’t carry a 3-wood and I’ll still be too anxious at this point in my round to release the driver. I have pictured a very quick hook off this tee since around 1985 but, assuming I don’t, I would really hope to get two points but suspect you could mark me down for a 7/1 with some sort of chipping or de-greened putt incident.
Advertisement
3. Flowering Peach, 350 yards, par 4, SI 13
Most players will work backwards depending on where the pin is and I will do likewise given where the green is.
Not that I can hit the ball 290 yards or spin my wedges but I definitely don’t want a fiddly pitch to a sloping green so I would hybrid one down there which will no doubt be fat and leave myself something like a 6-iron in.
One to get out the way for someone with shaky hands – give me a bogey and I’d bite your hand off.
4. Flowering Crap Apple, 240 yards, par 3, SI 15
There’s nothing I like more than a 240-yard par 3 from an elevated tee to an undulating green. Catch the chief too well and I’m on Berckmans Road so it would be a 5-wood that probably wouldn’t be enough.
I have a memory of Phil Mickelson, in a terrible fawn get-up, making a hash of this hole from some vegetation down the left which I would happily recreate.
There is a backstop which you might hope would make a bad shot look quite tasty or you’d just leave yourself a 50-footer from the top of it.
5. Magnolia, 455 yards, par 4, SI 5
A nice quiet corner where the patrons can’t get to me so I’d hope to lump one away, miss the green and take three putts for a couple of points.
There is the possibility that I come up short of that enormous fairway bunker and then spend far too long trying to get a line on where the green is and then catch one a bit skinny and end up in it.
6. Juniper, 180 yards, par 3, SI 17
To either a back left or a back right pin position there is no chance of finishing on the right level.
Advertisement
Most likely scenario is to underclub, there is 20 yards of elevation change, and leave myself a putt from where I will hit it at least three more times.
Worst-case scenario is fretting about the patrons sitting just in front of me down the slope and flying the green by 25 yards.
7. Pampas, 450 yards, par 4, SI 11
A hole I may never finish playing. I stood by this green for a couple of hours and am still not sure how a player of ordinary skills could make a four here.
For a start the tee shot is too straight (and narrow) and the hole is too long and elevated.
Adam Scott might be able to jazz one back down the hill but you and I, dear friend, have got real problems here.
Every chance you might go from bunker to bunker, either way round, and almost certain to not go as you had visualised it going. Good hole not to get a shot on.
8. Yellow Jasmine, 570 yards, par 5, SI 3
Surely, if there was any hole that you might make par on, then it’s here? No water, huge mounds that help feed your ball into where you want the ball to go and a lay-up area that looks the size of a football pitch.
Then there’s the reality that you don’t play too many holes at 570 yards with the first chunk of it uphill so, while JT and co and smashing a long iron to 20 feet, you and I might still have your strong hybrid in your hands for your third.
9. Carolina Cherry, 460 yards, par 4, SI 7
Aside from getting blocked out left, a la Tiger whenever that was/the one Ken Brown recreated in magic fashion, off the tee we’d hope to leave ourselves a shot at the green.
But, again, it’s 460 up the hill and so your chance to spin one back down the hill might have to wait.
Advertisement
Don’t leave yourself a downhill putt or a sidehill putt for that matter which leaves you around four yards of green to find.
Take your five and get out of there.
How did Mark fare on the back nine at Augusta? And how did his final scorecard look?
10. Camellia, 495 yards, par 4, SI 6
Ah, the back nine in my imaginary Sunday. This is where it all begins and the chance to get my points into double figures.
When I get a bit anxious I tend to block it a bit so I would hope that the terrain would sweep my ball down onto the flatter ground.
I took a picture of where Bubba played his shot from (I can’t find it now) but it was the most ridiculous shot you could ever imagine.
With my approach I’d likely concern myself too much with that fairway bunker that nobody has ever ended up in and probably end up flying down the left-hand bank.
If I could somehow scramble a 6/1 I’d be bouncing onto the 11th tee box.
11. White Dogwood, 505 yards, par 4, SI 8
I have a theory that if your 80-yard pitching game is on point then this is a hole where you might be able to compete with the tour pros.
While they are happy to bunt one down the right-hand side and take their chances on their short game (and still make five) we won’t be able to even see the green with our approaches, let alone reach the trouble.
All that’s left now is to control your nerves, make a smooth swing with your 54˚ wedge and hit one in there with conviction.
To a slither of green with the pin sat a few paces from the water’s edge and a green that is probably Stimping (I love saying that word) at 14.
Advertisement
12. Golden Bell, 155 yards, par 3, SI 16
Here we go, supposedly the clouds go one way, the flags another, Rae’s Creek different again and your handful of a few blades of grass the opposite of that.
Don’t beat yourself up with matters that you can’t control. You’ll have a caddie so put the onus completely on him and just hit it long and left.
The last thing you want is to play another shot from this side of the creek, get it in the undergrowth and take your chances from there.
13. Azalea, 510 yards, par 5, SI 4
Here we go again. To paraphrase Geoff Ogilvy, “I don’t have the shot that goes 250 yards through the air and then turns left”, so we’re probably going to be involved in the pine needles up the right.
The smart play would be a fairway wood short of the trees, 6-iron down there and then make a mess of it from there but one of life’s biggest dreams is to somehow locate the putting surface in two shots on this hole.
The only way I can fathom this is to hit from where Faldo hit his 2-iron but, even then, I’m not sure I’ve got the weaponry to make the carry.
Basically you’re hoping to get a decent lie in Rae’s Creek.
14. Chinese Fir, 440 yards, par 4, SI 12
And breathe, no bunkers or water, just a straightaway 440 par 4 with a green that resembles the Himalayas at St Andrews.
At best we’re going in with a 5-iron which, when I last checked, I wasn’t spinning too much.
So the putter will likely be coming out from beyond the green, patrons will have to be moved and, before too long, I’ll be down in the sanctity of the bottom tier and facing a 60-footer for par.
Advertisement
15. Firethorn, 530 yards, par 5, SI 2
As inviting a drive as there is on the property. Channel your inner Jack or Sergio and put yourself into position to give yourself a green light to take it on.
Unfortunately, like Garcia, you won’t have a big 8-iron in or any sort of iron, more like a driver off the deck that you’ve never actually hit other than once at the range.
It’s a slither of green with a wedge in hand so try and cut one into the sand with the chief. We’ve all seen the chipping nightmares from back to the front of the green so manage your game accordingly and try and take double out of the equation.
16. Redbud, 170 yards, par 3, SI 18
There seems to be a 20-yard dustbin lid where we can land our tee shots and still finish with a four-footer for birdie so you’d like to think that you might light it up here.
All I can picture is under-clubbing, coming up 20 yards short of the oversized dustbin lid and seeing a very long putt get away from me and coming to rest on the edge of the first cut.
And then never threaten with the par putt.
17. Nandina, 440 yards, par 4, SI 14
Due to Ike’s Tree no longer being part of the furniture all of us who neck the crap out of our drivers can breathe a sigh of relief here. In our imaginary/verge-of-a-breakdown round of golf.
So let’s smash one away and get suckered into that right-hand pin, come off it slightly and watch as our ball tumbles off the green and trickles 25 yards away.
As is now a feature of our day we have another chip into the grain so we hopelessly putt it and club it nowhere near.
18. Holly, 465 yards, par 4, SI 10
The most suffocating tee shot in golf. The good news is we can’t reach the ‘traps’, the bad news is we haven’t got an arrow-straight tee ball to get us out of the trees.
Remember what happened to Jordan last year? Well we can expect to find the timber at least 40 yards further back. From memory there are some toilets off to the left which should play a part in your final chapter.
It might be four shots before we can return to the normality of the fairway from where the pin is barely visible.
Ooh, isn’t it hillier than we had imagined? Said everyone who has ever been there and why I am now struggling for breath.
We salute the heroes who have signed off with a three to capture the Green Jacket, blow a kiss to Seve, think very fondly of Woosie and Chema and ‘do a Greg Norman’ with a semi shank way right. Three putts later we tap in for a very satisfactory 21 points.
Final scorecard
