‘You’re not Tiger and this isn’t Augusta!’ Are you guilty of these winter golf offences?

It’s dark two thirds of the day and it’s always freezing. I hate winter golf. I used to love that time when the clocks went back and you’d be taken aside for a good talking to if you ventured anywhere near the club from the end of October until April.

It’s a different world now. I blame GoreTex. Any road, golf’s 365 days a year.

I’d still be hibernating personally, but time is marching and an ever-expanding waistline, and some serious frowning on the part of my doctor when she’s studying my blood pressure charts, means spending six months of the year idling is not an option.

And so, dear reader, I subject myself to it – the compression tops (you’ve never seen anyone look more ridiculous), the gloves and the bobble hats.

I can just about get through the pain of it all, counting the seconds until the world has spun and the sun’s warmer rays start to penetrate through the cold earth, but for other golfers.

People drive me mad at the best of times. I saw enough working as a youngster in customer service to know I wouldn’t trust the public to tie their own shoelaces, but there are two specific things – that are unique to winter golf – that makes me want to drown myself in an icy lake.

Here they are for your delectation. Will you agree? Frankly, who cares? But give me a shout anyway if you’ve met these two ‘characters’ while traversing the frigid links…

The mat moaner

Yes, we’d all love to be hitting off pristine tees all the time but, and even I can’t quite believe I’m having to explain this, grass doesn’t really grow in winter. It’s too cold. Wet weather, and lots of frost, leads to ploughed turf.

Surely, we all understand this? Well, all except the player who, as soon as they see a winter tee mat, descends into a mess of self-pity and grieving. ‘Woe is me’ they wail. Listen chump, that ball hasn’t topped off the tee because you’re hitting from a mat. It’s because you’ve struck it at least two feet behind the ball.

Remember when you told me to ‘GET A LESSON’ as I unfurled my new driver? Perhaps you should practice what you preach.

The Tiger Woods of the temporary green

For the love of God. This one makes me want to use my 7-iron like an axe. It’s a temporary green, for Christ’s sake. Hit a putt and it could honestly go anywhere. You’ve no idea what that ice-flecked surface, festooned with the stalagmites of a 100 golfers’ crushed up spike deposits, is going to do to your ball when it leaves the putter face. And no amount of careful analysis is making any difference.

But there you are, stalking this four-footer on what purports to be a putting surface like you’re the Big Cat at Augusta. You’re crouched. You’ve looked at it from two angles and, wait, you’ve marked and replaced for the second time. I swear if you get Aimpoint out I’m going to lose my mind.

We all know why we play from temporary greens. We all know it’s a complete lottery. So stop trying to judge the non-existent break and just hit it and hope. It’ll probably go in.

Do you have your own pet winter golf moans, or should the Angry Club Golfer just go into hibernation – preferably permanently? Let us know in the comments, or tweet him.

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