Hey, Extinction Rebellion, have you played golf? Pick on something ACTUALLY destroying the planet

We used to have a term for climate change protesters in my day. We called them hippies. So what if I want to stick the heating on to ‘tropical’ and pack my shopping in enough plastic it would probably drown a dolphin? Global warming? Pffffttt. Everyone knows coasts just erode. It’s NATURAL.

And, yes, the bunkers on my course have started flooding – daily now, as it happens – but I’m sure it’s just a bit of a wet spell. Don’t worry. We’ll all be shovelling six feet of snow from our driveways before we know it.

I don’t understand this Extinction Rebellion lot. I read their rewilding plans with such incredulity I burned the gammon.

Rewilding? Nature? What do they think a golf course is? They’re teeming with wildlife.

We can’t touch the badgers digging up our rough. I even saw a deer once. There’s that woodpecker that starts knocking every time I’ve got a difficult six-footer (I swear it knows) and those geese. I’m cleaning it off my shoes for weeks. So don’t tell me golfers aren’t at one with nature.

XR Lewes rebels were out in wild and windy weather today supporting the campaign to rewild Hollingbury and Waterhall golf courses.#rewilding #ecologicalemergency

Thanks @XRBrighton for organising! pic.twitter.com/fTXJPge4H9

— XRLewes (@XrLewes) January 11, 2020

Those protesters dressed up in chemical outfits. Shows what they know. Nothing sobers me up more during a difficult round than watching the greenkeepers struggle with a diseased green because basically ALL the pesticides have been banned.

Honestly, just leave our sport alone. Haven’t you got a building to superglue yourself to?

And don’t try telling me that stuff doesn’t affect the environment. I caught a whiff once while trying to complete a complete a scale model of a Spitfire and the room was spinning for hours.

If you’re really insistent the world’s going to end unless you block off a few roads in London, why not concentrate on the things that really matter, like aeroplanes, or, I don’t know, big belching power stations?

They’ve probably got a bit more to do with heating up the earth than me pulling into the club car park in my massive Beemer (diesel, of course) and leaving a few plastic tees sprawled about the place.

A golf course is an oasis – a spiritual experience. Take your banners and sod off somewhere else.