Have you lost your pencil?

Who else has the partner that’s playing the ‘avoid your eyes gaze’ game every time the balls go up in the air for the weekend sweep? I’ve got no problem marking a scorecard. This is helped massively by the fact that I’m reasonably observant of what’s going on and, specifically, I can count.

We take numeracy for granted in a developed society but if you’ve ever seen a group of players trying to work out the split for front, back and overall you’ll know the ability to add and subtract is sometimes far from a given.

So I’m happy to take my turn, take the responsibility of making sure everything’s neat and tidy in our fourball and easy to calculate in the clubhouse when it’s all said and done.

I don’t want to do it every single time I step on the tee, though, and the smoke starts rising when you’re out and there’s the one who always refuses to get in on the communal spirit.

I’ll get into awkward scorecard habits another time – don’t draw little smiley faces for birdies and don’t put exclamation marks when I three-putt is a good start – but if you’re outright refusing to do your duty with the numbers then we’re quickly going to fall out.

“I’ve just come here to play my golf!” That’s the one that really makes me mad. Really? Well, why don’t you sod off and play with someone else? Maybe then, we can all be happy.

“I’ve lost my pencil!” An old favourite. Luckily, I’ve got a veritable stationery cupboard in my bag. Would you like HB or 4B?

“I don’t know how to do it!” Are you kidding me? How are you even allowed out on a golf course?

It’s written in baby language in the Players’ Edition, with big pictures. You’d have to be a moron to not at least know where to put the digits. And that’s practically your only responsibility. You don’t even have to work out the nett.

Given you play in basically every club competition, how have you got by for, basically, forever?

We all know the real reason. You’re lazy and revel in the prospect of someone else always doing all the work.

So put your fiver back in your pocket and get in the sea. If you’re not willing to take your turn scrawling on that piece of card, you’re going to find yourself without a game.

Would you keep score then? Oh, the irony.

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