The winter match play pairs is in full swing at my club but this is the first year in ages I haven’t entered. I’m sick to the back teeth of it.
I love matchplay. It’s everything I want golf to be. It’s not just about hitting the shots. I adore the carnage. I just crave the feeling of getting inside someone’s head – of completely dismantling them psychologically over 18 holes.
It’s incredible watching someone’s face fall when you better their approach. It’s amazing to see someone crumble into a pitiful submissive mess when you land a tram-liner to steal a hole right from under their stupid faces.
I feel like Seve at Muirfield Village. Jesus, I’m quivering as I write. That’s how it’s supposed to me anyway.
What actually happens – aside from the inevitable first round defeat at the hands of a crack low teens and 22-handicapper combination (“I can’t remember the last time I played like this”, “well, try entering the occasional competition MATE“) – is I’ve blown all my gaskets long before we’ve ever got to the 1st tee.
The most annoying thing in golf is not slow play, or even handicap bandits sneaking off with all the pots, it’s trying to synchronise calendars for a match play golf game.
Match play golf: Why does sorting a game have to be so difficult?
Behold the following scenario. For the sake of drama, I’m going to imagine a phone conversation…
“Hello?”
“Hi. We’ve drawn you in the match play and I’m just ringing to get a date sorted.”
“Great, when did you have in mind?”
“We’re pretty flexible for the rest of the month, as it happens, and there’s just one day we really cannot do. It’s two weeks on Friday.”
“Ah, that’s a bit tricky because I think that’s the only day we can do.”
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“What do you mean? I’ve basically just given you the ENTIRE month.”
“Yeah, sorry about that but it’s the only date we can make.”
“So let me get this straight – the only day I CAN’T do is the only day you two CAN?’
It’s even worse over email. It takes about eight of them and three weeks to get to this point because no one can ever bother to reply in a timely fashion.
Now, what I should do at this point is tell them it’s 7-irons at dawn and slam the phone down. I know that as long as we’re on the tee at deadline time they’re either going to turn up or I’m going to be thumbing forfeit into my phone so fast I could light a fire on the friction.
I know what their game is. They’re trying to goad me. To own me. And they know their mark. It doesn’t take much to turn me into a pressure cooker that’s about to go off.
I want to tell them, ‘you can shove your game where the sun doesn’t shine’. Yeah, we’re out of the match play but, for the briefest of moments, I feel better. I’ve got some principles, right? The joke’s on you lot.
Then I realise they got exactly what they wanted. And then the red mist really descends.
Now have your say
Do you have a hard time organising match play golf rounds? Or are you someone who MAKES it difficult? Let our Angry Club Golfer know on X.
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