The five worst types of golfer at your club: How many do you know?

I do actually love golf. I just don’t love some of the infuriating things people do on the course and in the club.

I know you can’t help it. I know I should just live and let live. But my favourite tipple in the bar is off, I’m parched, and someone is shoving a test and trace code in my face.

So while I’m feeling prickly, I’m going to subject you to the worst types of golfer that make me sullen at the club. Some of these you’ll recognise. If you are one of them, please stop.

But feel free to come forward with your own. This is a meritocracy. Leave your whines in the comments.

Anyway, onwards…

The Ebeneezer

If one good thing has come out of Covid it’s cashless competition entry. I dread going back to ‘normality’ if it means getting stuck again behind the player counting out their entry in 10 and 20p pieces.

“You’ll be glad of the change,” you hear them tell the increasingly exasperated pro. They’d be gladder to get back the five minutes of their life you’ve just cost them. Ever heard of notes?

The woke David Bailey

Oh, what an exciting day. You’ve had this leather thing, that looks like something Bobby Jones once carried, imported at a mortgage-popping price.

You’ve got the weird wooden slats too (an optional, and expensive, extra) and I’m not sure whether you want to play golf or make love to it.

I do know you’re not interested in holing out – at least in the conventional sense. No, you want to take ‘exciting’ snaps on your phone with your new love perched suggestively against the side of buildings or draped over a strangely shaped bunker.

What horrors exist on your Instagram?

The ‘Put me down for a 9’

I would, but it’s a Stableford and you weren’t able to score on this par 3 several shots ago. But did you pick up? No, you did not.

“I’ll just have a practice,” you say, before three-jabbing the green while two groups are doing the double teapot on the tee behind.

Then you demand I write ‘9’ on the scorecard instead of the big slash I’m actually sticking through your entire section.

The tour wannabe

Please allow me to expand on the theme just outlined. All the gear, no idea was invented for you. You’re wielding a remote controlled trolley, you’ve got the latest limited edition tour bag and all of your clubs have spent far too long in the custom shop. Your polo shirt has got all your hero’s logos on – you know they’re getting paid for that, right? – and everything about your set up screams expense. Apart from your opening tee shot, which never looks like being a fairway finder. It’s going to be a long day.

The one with iron covers

Just don’t.

See also: People who refer to their clubs as “bats” or “sticks”.

What are the worst types of golfer at YOUR club?

What drives you mad on the golf course? Leave your woes in the comments, or you can tweet the Angry Club Golfer.

• Want more Angry Club Golfer rants? You can find them here

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