It was a jumper once. Now it’s more congealed pie than threads. If he purchased anything containing gravy from the kitchen, and he could never resist, more of it would end up down his front than in his mouth. A washing machine was a mystery to this man. He was a collection of stains and most of the members would give him a wide berth when he was being beaten by a pastry.
In the deluded morals of the golf club dress code, though, his filthy attire was deemed acceptable.
It’s funny because I don’t remember that awful diagram in the locker room showing a man wearing a Sunday roast. It did have a big red cross next to a person wearing some slightly unconventional shorts and ankle length black socks.
And while carrying a superbug is fine, as long as you’re wearing what’s left of a diamond sweater, I’d see club chiefs storming across fairways to collar anyone who had a stray corner of their polo shirt poking out of their trousers.
Don’t get me started on collars.
When Tiger Woods’ mock turtle was all the rage the first time round, I can vividly remember being scolded for turning up at a club in said garment. Apparently, what was good enough for Augusta National – one of the most exclusive golf clubs on the planet – wasn’t permitted at a slightly scraggy northern parkland.
Some golfers have a very narrow definition of what’s smart. I guess they’re the kind that still don a dinner jacket, and stand by their fireplace clutching a glass of port.
Before firing down a ready meal.
I wonder what the captain who berated me for momentarily failing to take off a cap as I walked into the clubhouse – it was 85 degrees outside – does when he hasn’t got such weighty issues to occupy him?
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He probably flagellates himself with a copy of the club’s articles.
It’s about standards, they claim, when arguing in favour of the dress code. Let someone wear a pair of jeans and, before you know it, there’s people dealing drugs in the car park.
I know I can’t get this through their heads because – like Brexit – this is an argument so entrenched no one is prepared to give way.
But, for the thousandth time, there is no correlation between what someone wears and how they act.
I mean, consider the dress code zealot. They’re a pro shop’s dream and still an idiot. They might think everyone in a hoodie is about to rob them but Tony Finau and Billy Horschel carry one off quite nicely and I don’t think they’re going to be pressing anyone for their mobile phone.
Instead of obsessing about whether that skirt is above or below the knee, shouldn’t we worry about something that really matters?
Such as how we’re going to attract anyone under 65 to be a member and whether our club is going to survive the winter.
Do you agree with the Angry Club Golfer about abolishing golf’s dress code? Let him know in the comments below or you can tweet him.
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