I spend far too long thinking about the Ryder Cup and all that goes with it. So, if I was to be given my Ryder Cup reins, I’ve tried to outline who might get the best out of me. I’ll play off 8 with a couple of courtesy shots if we’re playing off the same tees…
Francesco Molinari
The slight worry here would be that neither of us would be able to hear one another. I’m a mumbler and, while Frankie is slightly more audible, his voice does follow a slightly similar trend. It’s not a criticism, particularly given that English isn’t his first language etc etc, more an observation.
He is also fluent in Spanish, which doesn’t tally with my A Levels in French and German, and he and his caddie chat in Spanish. Which makes sense given that Pello Iguarán is Spanish, as his name slightly suggests.
So unless they’re ordering a jamon y queso bocadillo that would rule me out of most chats.
Jon Rahm
I’m not very good around angry people, I get on edge very quickly and spend my whole time trying to placate them. After a while I’d end up resenting big Jon and his little hissy fits, it’s my Ryder Cup debut too, and I don’t think we’d gel particularly well.
I’d love to be the one who could calm him but I suspect that he doesn’t really need that and he’s fine the way he is. Maybe we could be table tennis pals instead.
Alex Noren
My pre-shot routine is now down to a four-inch waft of just my wrists. This is down to a screaming back problem and some self-consciousness issues.
I’d feel a bit overawed by Noren’s muscular intent before even hitting a ball and that my lack of effort to warm up and stretch will have disappointed my prospective playing partner.
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I like Noren, he might have the second shiniest forearms behind Martin Kaymer and he seems particularly genuine. I just worry that my body – and mind – will let him down.
Thorbjorn Olesen
Two rookies together? Are you mad? Old Thunder Bear and I are cut from a different cloth. He’s young, good looking and hopeful. And I’m not.
He lives in London, I grew up in London. But I suspect our lifestyle choices are slightly different unless he also enjoys playing too much darts in horrific back-street boozers.
He supports Manchester United, I support Leeds. We’re probably best just being breakfast buddies.
Justin Rose
A bit closer to my age range though I’d still be the senior partner. This might work. Justin’s an all-round nice guy, he’s got a couple of kids, and he’s pretty much the ultimate Ryder Cup partner.
And you know, when I’m continually letting him down on the course, he won’t show it when he really should be playing the role of Sir Nick to my David Gilford at Kiawah. He should be calling me all sorts and blanking me at every opportunity but, Justin being Justin, he’ll have my back.
He’s too nice, we’d never get along.
Tyrrell Hatton
I quite like Hatton and, while big Jonny Rahm terrifies me a bit, I find Tyrrell’s outbursts more amusing than scary.
Again, though, we’re worlds apart. He’s 26, likes computer games and cars. I’m none of those things.
I think my time would be best spent trying to persuade Captain Bjorn to pair Hatton and Rahm on the Saturday morning. Send them out first, tell them that anything goes and then stand back a safe distance.
Paul Casey
Probably not, if that’s OK.
Can Mark settle on a Ryder Cup partner? Find out on the next page…
Ian Poulter
I don’t think this will work, do you? The bulging eyes, the high expectations of himself and his partner. It’s only going to end one way.
I’m too intrigued by the shanks not to waste this opportunity to quiz him on where they come from and he’d soon get very sick of this and my perpetual lagging of every putt.
I can’t do car chat. I’ve been thrilled by the space that our Ford S-Max gives us and I don’t think that’s going to cut the mustard.
I think I’d like to win a point alongside Poulter more than anyone just to experience the thrill of that but I think Tiger and Bryson might be too strong for us.
Rory McIlroy
This could be electric. Can you imagine what it would be like being alongside Rory in a Ryder Cup?
Me and Rors against their biggest guns, be it Spieth and Reed or DJ and Koepka or Rickie and JT or TW and BDC. So many initials everywhere. I can think of no greater buzz, Rory nearly taking my hand off when we high-five a birdie, getting right in my face when I make a 5-nett-4 at the 15th or just bouncing down the fairways making small talk. We might also get to hear what Harry Diamond’s voice sounds like.
Again, regrettably and it would really be something, we’re very different animals and the only ‘I can’t hear you’ shrieks would be to me when he literally can’t hear me.
Matt Wallace
Did you see him in the play-off in Denmark? He was like a man possessed; so much self-belief, so much determination, so much grit.
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He’s a natural-born winner, he sees an opportunity and then kicks the door down. When a putt needs to drop, it drops. When he needs to smoke one 300+ over a bunker, he smokes one. He doesn’t appear to see problems, just birdie chances.
Not for me.
Sergio Garcia
The worry here is that we might drag each other down a bit. On a good day we’d be great, me making a handful of 4-for-3s, but on a bad one I’m not sure who would be the one to take control to try and get us moving forward again.
I wonder how long I could drag out the Augusta chat, I wonder how much he’d want to talk about having a young baby, I’d worry that we’d get drawn against Tiger and it would all get a bit awkward.
I think I’d just worry too much so have pencilled in a spot of lunch on the Friday when we’re both at a loose end.
Rafa Cabrera Bello
Another nice guy and, as you can see, we’re old friends. The brother I never had.
I sat next to him at a dinner and couldn’t help myself when everyone started asking for pics. It was a lack of dignity on my part but I couldn’t help myself, he’d just won the Scottish Open and I wanted to try and be his friend.
I don’t really understand what the weird thing he does with his hands is which does make me wonder he might be a bit too cool for me. I also worry that he’d be disapproving about the way I’ve let myself go since we last spent some time together.
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Thomas Pieters
I’ll be honest I know very little about Belgium other than being able to name pretty much all of their 1982 football team.
If he does make the team then I reckon he’ll probably be reunited with Rory and there’s no strong reason why I should get in the way of things.
Henrik Stenson
Sign me up, skipper. Yes please, all day long. I love the bones of the man. I also love his trousers, ability to wear knitwear and his occasional industrial language.
We could be strong 3-wood brothers in arms, this is a recent thing that I’ve incorporated into my game and it’s not that strong as I’ve cranked it up to 15.5˚ but you get my drift.
We both know what it’s like to not be able to keep the ball on the planet and battle our way back to greatness; in Henrik’s case an Open Championship, in mine getting down to 7 for a brief period.
We could discuss Scandi Noir and the problems of growing old, it would be a right laugh.
Tommy Fleetwood
I won’t bore you with details of how well we played together in Portugal one distant pro-am ago but, let’s just say, two points outside the prizes tells its own story. And he missed a short birdie putt on the penultimate hole.
I like a bit of gentle ribbing, not too much as I’m a sensitive soul, and Tommy found both my putting stroke and chipping technique quite amusing. If we were to play foursomes I’d like to think his Greens In Regulation heroics would mean that I wouldn’t be doing any chipping and my ability to lag everything from outside six feet would give us a great chance.
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Tommy’s The One.
Captain Bjorn, give us a go. We won’t let you down.
Who would be your Ryder Cup wildcard picks?
