The most annoying things you hear on a golf course
16. ‘I left a few out there’
This is acceptable if you’re Justin Thomas and you’ve just hit 18 greens. This is not acceptable if you’ve just shot a nett 78.
17. ‘This driver/ball combo is a bit too spinny’
This suggests that, given you’ve never broken 90, you’ve lost all touch with reality.
18. ‘Did you take the headcover off?’
Not the best is it after your poor mate has put everything into his 180-yard smoked driver.
19. ‘Well out’
Much like the holiday one your playing partner will be spitting this gag out at the first sign of any fatted iron. It’s so bad that it will generally need an explanation – ol’ Jimmy Tarbuck is suggesting you were in some deep bund or a bunker and you’ve done well to advance it.
20. ‘You’ve got a good score going here’
You’ve probably spent the best part of the previous three hours telling yourself inwardly to keep going, one shot at a time, and then this happens and your illusional shield is shattered. Just like that. And you make a seven.
21. ‘I was in a divot, I was in a divot, I was in a divot…’
We can’t help ourselves can we when a very rare bit of misfortune happens upon us. Fair enough you’re in a divot, just stop telling me about it.
22. ‘It was plugged, it was plugged’
See above. You hit it in the bunker.
23. ‘Dead sheep’ – I’d not heard this before but, after some exhaustive research, some people actually say this. Are you ready to hold your sides in place? It’s another way of saying ‘still you’.
Still not there? ‘Still ewe’. Sorry.
24. ‘Is it out of bounds right?’
Yes, it is. I’ve spent the last two holes and every moment since walking off the previous green trying not to obsess about that. And now here we are, with me stood over the tee shot, with you finally grasping the nettle that the round is about to fall apart.
25. ‘Come on then, knock it in’
In the extremely rare unlikelihood that you have a makeable eagle putt your playing partner feels the need to have his say. It’s as encouraging as it is unwelcome given that you’ve just spent the past 220-yard walk flitting between thoughts of ‘just give it a go’ and ‘two putts are just fine’.
The art of losing your dignity in the pro shop
The 50 giveaways that you think you’re an actual tour pro
The playing partner conundrum: How many is ideal?
Mark Townsend
Been watching and playing golf since the early 80s and generally still stuck in this period. Huge fan of all things Robert Rock, less so white belts. Handicap of 8, fragile mind and short game
