The 50 giveaways that you think you’re an actual tour pro
26. You perform a little club twirl after hitting it to 25 feet on a par 3.
27. You are prone to holding out an arm for an errant shot instead of shouting fore.
28. You examine the grooves in your irons after hitting a wayward approach.
29. You pull your cap over your face when you miss a 30-footer.
30. You keep your scorecard in a personalised holder and, secretly, give yourself your own nickname and a good idea of what your logo might look like.
31. You make a crossroads of irons on the ground at the range to make you take a look at your fundamentals.
32. You actually say words like ‘fundamentals’.
33. You wear terrible spongey trainers as your ‘casual wear’.
34. You wear wireless headphones on the putting green.
35. You carry alignment sticks in your bag which is a tour bag.
36. You carry a bag of nuts and powder drinks in the same tour bag.
37. You tap down imaginary spike marks when you miss a putt.
38. You touch the brim of your cap when a playing partner says ‘good shot’.
39. You wear sunglasses on the back of your cap.
40. You have a collection of colour-coded resistance bands and you’re not embarrassed to use them.
41. You clack your wedge on the back of your shoes on the way out of the bunker.
42. You wearing a matching white belt to go with your white trousers.
43. You lay up off the tee to take the bunkers out of play at 315.
44. You change your ball every three holes and glove every nine.
45. You use a driving iron despite being unable to hit it more than 215 yards with your driver.
46. You toss your putter at your bag by the green – then realise you have to pick it up yourself.
47. You cup your hands round the brim of your cap when lining up a putt.
48. You have the flag tended on chip shots.
49. You walk up to look at the green on a 50-yard pitch.
50. You straddle your putts and make some weird hand gestures in a convoluted effort to incorporate AimPoint into your putting routine.
So, how many of the 50 are you guilty of?
All 50: Your tour card is in the post.
40-49: So close. Q School awaits.
30-39: Work obviously needs to be done. Get down the range and get those alignment sticks out.
20-29: So you only play on weekends?
10-19: Do you even play golf?
1-9: You’re a liar.
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Mark Townsend
Been watching and playing golf since the early 80s and generally still stuck in this period. Huge fan of all things Robert Rock, less so white belts. Handicap of 8, fragile mind and short game
