An alternative course guide to Augusta National Golf Club

10. Camellia, 495 yards, par 4, SI 6

Ah, the back nine in my imaginary Sunday. This is where it all begins and the chance to get my points into double figures.

When I get a bit anxious I tend to block it a bit so I would hope that the terrain would sweep my ball down onto the flatter ground.

I took a picture of where Bubba played his shot from (I can’t find it now) but it was the most ridiculous shot you could ever imagine.

With my approach I’d likely concern myself too much with that fairway bunker that nobody has ever ended up in and probably end up flying down the left-hand bank.

If I could somehow scramble a 6/1 I’d be bouncing onto the 11th tee box.

11. White Dogwood, 505 yards, par 4, SI 8

I have a theory that if your 80-yard pitching game is on point then this is a hole where you might be able to compete with the tour pros.

While they are happy to bunt one down the right-hand side and take their chances on their short game (and still make five) we won’t be able to even see the green with our approaches, let alone reach the trouble.

Augusta course guide

All that’s left now is to control your nerves, make a smooth swing with your 54˚ wedge and hit one in there with conviction.

To a slither of green with the pin sat a few paces from the water’s edge and a green that is probably Stimping (I love saying that word) at 14.

12. Golden Bell, 155 yards, par 3, SI 16

Here we go, supposedly the clouds go one way, the flags another, Rae’s Creek different again and your handful of a few blades of grass the opposite of that.

Don’t beat yourself up with matters that you can’t control. You’ll have a caddie so put the onus completely on him and just hit it long and left.

The last thing you want is to play another shot from this side of the creek, get it in the undergrowth and take your chances from there.

13. Azalea, 510 yards, par 5, SI 4

Here we go again. To paraphrase Geoff Ogilvy, “I don’t have the shot that goes 250 yards through the air and then turns left”, so we’re probably going to be involved in the pine needles up the right.

The smart play would be a fairway wood short of the trees, 6-iron down there and then make a mess of it from there but one of life’s biggest dreams is to somehow locate the putting surface in two shots on this hole.

Augusta course guide

The only way I can fathom this is to hit from where Faldo hit his 2-iron but, even then, I’m not sure I’ve got the weaponry to make the carry.

Basically you’re hoping to get a decent lie in Rae’s Creek.

14. Chinese Fir, 440 yards, par 4, SI 12

And breathe, no bunkers or water, just a straightaway 440 par 4 with a green that resembles the Himalayas at St Andrews.

At best we’re going in with a 5-iron which, when I last checked, I wasn’t spinning too much.

So the putter will likely be coming out from beyond the green, patrons will have to be moved and, before too long, I’ll be down in the sanctity of the bottom tier and facing a 60-footer for par.

15. Firethorn, 530 yards, par 5, SI 2

Augusta course guide

As inviting a drive as there is on the property. Channel your inner Jack or Sergio and put yourself into position to give yourself a green light to take it on.

Unfortunately, like Garcia, you won’t have a big 8-iron in or any sort of iron, more like a driver off the deck that you’ve never actually hit other than once at the range.

It’s a slither of green with a wedge in hand so try and cut one into the sand with the chief. We’ve all seen the chipping nightmares from back to the front of the green so manage your game accordingly and try and take double out of the equation.

16. Redbud, 170 yards, par 3, SI 18

There seems to be a 20-yard dustbin lid where we can land our tee shots and still finish with a four-footer for birdie so you’d like to think that you might light it up here.

All I can picture is under-clubbing, coming up 20 yards short of the oversized dustbin lid and seeing a very long putt get away from me and coming to rest on the edge of the first cut.

And then never threaten with the par putt.

17. Nandina, 440 yards, par 4, SI 14

Due to Ike’s Tree no longer being part of the furniture all of us who neck the crap out of our drivers can breathe a sigh of relief here. In our imaginary/verge-of-a-breakdown round of golf.

So let’s smash one away and get suckered into that right-hand pin, come off it slightly and watch as our ball tumbles off the green and trickles 25 yards away.

As is now a feature of our day we have another chip into the grain so we hopelessly putt it and club it nowhere near.

18. Holly, 465 yards, par 4, SI 10

Augusta course guide

The most suffocating tee shot in golf. The good news is we can’t reach the ‘traps’, the bad news is we haven’t got an arrow-straight tee ball to get us out of the trees.

Remember what happened to Jordan last year? Well we can expect to find the timber at least 40 yards further back. From memory there are some toilets off to the left which should play a part in your final chapter.

It might be four shots before we can return to the normality of the fairway from where the pin is barely visible.

Ooh, isn’t it hillier than we had imagined? Said everyone who has ever been there and why I am now struggling for breath.

We salute the heroes who have signed off with a three to capture the Green Jacket, blow a kiss to Seve, think very fondly of Woosie and Chema and ‘do a Greg Norman’ with a semi shank way right. Three putts later we tap in for a very satisfactory 21 points.