It's too hot to play golf

It’s too hot to play golf. That’s what I want to talk about – but you already knew that.

I’ve played a few rounds in this heatwave that my mum keeps telling me is the worst since 1976, and to be honest with you it’s not really that enjoyable, is it?

The mercury is tipping over the 30 mark, while the humidity is so thick you may as well be swinging in a sauna.
You wear as little as possible, but that doesn’t help at all. Does “moisture-wicking technology” really work? And no one – NO ONE – looks good in golf shorts. Not even someone as dreamy as Adam Scott.

Then you have to smother your arms and legs and face in sun lotion, which for some reason you can’t scrub off your hands for days. But you’ll always miss a spot or two, usually around the ankles, and you come home with random red blotches all over you.

And tan lines! Oh my god the tan lines that leave your face and arms at least 15 shades browner than the rest of your body.

And I don’t really like wearing a cap when playing golf. Firstly, my hair is magnificent, and secondly, it’s thicker than your average Love Island contestant. So after 18 holes in sweaty heat I look like Chewbacca lumbering out of the shower.

Then there’s the sunglasses conundrum. I don’t have a pair of golf-specific sunglasses, mainly because I don’t wear them when I’m hitting shots. So I have to wear my rather expensive Ray Bans which I take off, balance on my bag and lose, on average, 14 times a round.

And when it’s bone dry it messes with your club selection. Right, I’ve got 155 into the flag which is a stock 8-iron, but the ball is running for miles so maybe I should go down to a 9… sod it just hit your 8-iron a bit softer and try and oh look I’ve shoved it in the woods because I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT TOO MUCH.

By the time you get to about the 12th hole, you’re too hot and too bothered to play the rest of the round, but you flump your way through the remaining holes with a face like a child who’s just been told they can’t have ice cream.

I’m bored of it now. Can we just go back to having those summers where it was around 16 degrees and we weren’t all stumbling around the links like characters from The Walking Dead?

And what’s that? You now want me to put on a jacket and shirt to eat dinner when all I want to do is lie in a heap under the air conditioning? Bye!

Actually, just roll on the winter, so I can bowl onto the first tee in a nice pair of tailored trousers, a base layer, and a cosy sweater – because that’s when I’m at my happiest on the golf course.

Ryder Cupset

Is it me or is there a Ryder Cup controversy every year? Just going back over the last handful, you have Nick Faldo’s “sandwich list” at Valhalla, waterproof-gate at The Celtic Manor, Phil Mickelson’s brutal take down of Tom Watson at Gleneagles, and last time out when a website not a million miles from here published a column from Danny Willett’s brother, Pete, having a rather tongue-in-cheek poke at the American fans. (They didn’t see it that way, obviously.)

Here's the transcript of Phil Mickelson throwing Tom Watson under the bus and then reversing over him several times: pic.twitter.com/OAil1cZGBM

— Alex Perry (@AlexPerryNCG) September 28, 2014

You would have been hard pushed to make up any of the above, so where do you even start when thinking of a potential controversy this year when the biennial slobberknocker between Europe and the US rolls into Paris?

Hey, Bubba Watson doesn’t like France. Maybe he’ll start dissing Paris, saying how the “Eiffel Tower isn’t as good as the real version in Las Vegas”, or something equally brain dead.

Whatever happens, I can’t wait to find out. I have officially come down with Ryder Cup fever.

Rage against the missed green

Did you know Sergio Garcia has quite a fiery temper? Me neither! So I was as shocked as anyone when he lost his cool at the Canadian Open after a duffed chip…

Sergio's caddy thought his life was over ?

A post shared by ZIRA GOLF (@ziragolf) on Jul 28, 2018 at 10:40am PDT

Worth it for the caddie recoil alone.

Tour Pro Guy

If you’re a Twitterer – is that the correct term? – and you don’t follow Club Pro Guy, then you’re doing it very, very wrong.

If you don’t know who Club Pro Guy is, he’s a former Mexican mini-tour player turned club pro. The anonymously-run parody account has racked up 60-odd thousand followers. (Seriously, put a couple of hours aside and go back through and read his stuff. And listen to his podcast on No Laying Up, too, it’s hilarious.)

This week, our hero has been invited to play in the Monday qualifier for the Web.com Tour’s KC Golf Classic in his hometown of Kansas City. And it’s quite a ride.

First there was the invite…

Just received this fax from the @WebDotComTour. I have accepted. This is not a drill, I am doing this! pic.twitter.com/MiffLro6vE

— Club Pro Guy (@ClubProGuy) July 25, 2018

Then, as always, his What’s in the Bag…

Check out what's in the bag (WITB) for my Monday #qualifier for the @KCGolfClassic on the @WebDotComTour. Loving my setup! @PGATOUR @WheelsUp pic.twitter.com/4fjRUKZihL

— Club Pro Guy (@ClubProGuy) July 28, 2018

Then the tee times came in…

Shoutout to the #midwestsectionpga for giving me a #premium mid-morning teetime for my Monday qualifier. @KCGolfClassic @WebDotComTour pic.twitter.com/xH4z9srCsB

— Club Pro Guy (@ClubProGuy) July 28, 2018

Some doubts started creeping in…

Does the @WebDotComTour play Monday #qualifiers from the back tees?

— Club Pro Guy (@ClubProGuy) July 29, 2018

But we all felt better again once we knew what he’d be wearing…

Scripting for tomorrow’s @WebDotComTour Monday #qualifier. pic.twitter.com/Wp3Xwf0ojn

— Club Pro Guy (@ClubProGuy) July 29, 2018

And you can’t play any amount of golf without refuelling…

Making final preparations. Most #amateurs don’t realize how key nutrition is during a round. @WebDotComTour @KCGolfClassic pic.twitter.com/hzeeg9rU0x

— Club Pro Guy (@ClubProGuy) July 30, 2018

Alas, there was a sad end to the tale…

.@WebDotComTour ?Emergency? My Miata has overheated on 40 HWY 15 minutes south of course. Ernesto seeking help on foot. Please send courtesy car ASAP. Prepare to pair me with later group if necessary. Please reply. @KCGolfClassic pic.twitter.com/gzDK1xvP8w

— Club Pro Guy (@ClubProGuy) July 30, 2018

Maybe next year, CPG.

Right, that’s probably enough from me for this week. If you’ve got any thoughts on any of the above, hit me up on Twitter where you can find me on @AlexPerryNCG. Enjoy your game wherever you happen to be playing and whatever the weather.