Don't bother applying to be McIlroy's caddie - this guy's nailed it

The Scoop

Geno Bonnalie has to be Rory McIlroy's new caddie, after the PGA Tour bagman tweeted an hilarious letter to the four-time major champion.

The name Geno Bonnalie probably doesn’t ring any bells but he is our new favourite caddie.

Bonnalie, currently on the bag of PGA Tour pro Joel Dahmen, has applied for the position of Rory McIlroy’s caddie in a hilarious letter which he posted on Twitter…

Here’s the letter in full…

Mr. McIlroy,

I would like to formally apply for the position of being your full-time caddie.

I currently work for tour pro Joel Dahmen and have been with him for three years. I’ve helped lead Joel to a solo 68th finish at the Reno-Tahoe Open, T80 MDF in Puerto Rico, and also helped him make four consecutive birdies in the Sanderson Farms Championship.

Please don’t think I’m sneaking around behind Joel’s back trying to get another job. I think Joel himself may also be applying for the position.

If you hire me it wouldn’t be awkward at all because we already know each other. We played in front of you on Saturday at the Travelers and during the wait on the fourth tee box I asked you if you wanted a water (which you politely declined). So we are pretty much best friends already.

Things that I excel at as a caddie:

– I’m really good with numbers, especially at elevation. What? You want me to take two per cent off 157 yards? BAM! 154. (Do you want decimal points? I know you’re good, but Joel and I usually work in whole yards.)

– I’m ALWAYS on time. In fact. I’m always way early. I’m typing this on my way to Wyndham where I am three hours early to the airport.

– I am an EXCELLENT bunker raker. In fact, I would say I’m one of the best in the world. If they had bunker raking contests on tour, I would lead in every possible statistic.

– Once upon a time I was one of the best archers in the world, so I have a weird ability to know exactly how far you are from the pin just by looking at it (inside 70 yards). So if I don’t step anything off and tell you it’s 58 yards it is 58 yards.

– During practice rounds I like making bets on various shots. Joel and I have a running SS bet on any given shot, and then give odds with the degree of difficulty. I’ve made an extra $5,370 this year betting on three-footers. It’s a nice little supplemental income.

Things I request from you as a player:

– If we both read a putt to go left and it doesn’t go left, please don’t yell at me. It’s not like I was trying to sabotage you.

– If we agree on a club then you chunk the shit out of it and yell at me for “giving a bad club”, I’ll probably eat it and say “sorry pro”, but please know that in my head I will be thinking something about how you should have hit a better shot.

– If it’s our first time playing a course and you hit one 175 yards off line and immediately ask me what’s over there, odds are I have no idea.

My shortcomings as a caddie:

– If you make me keep our playing partner’s score, I sometimes lose track of what they made on a hole because I’m so focused on what we’re doing. (See what I did there? Turned a negative into a positive.)

– I’m not sure if I’m any good at tending the pin in the three years I’ve been caddying. I’ve never once tended one. Joel just has me pull it. He says if he can’t see the hole, what are the chances of making it anyway? He kind of knows where it’s at.

Anyway, you probably have a lot of follow-up questions you’d like to ask me. Go ahead and have your agent get hold of my agent and I’m sure we can figure something out.

Our favourite bit? Probably about Joel also applying for the job. Or being an archer. Or the sabotage. Or the… Oh it’s all glorious.

Everyone at National Club Golfer is fully behind Geno getting the job.

Now do what’s right, Rory…

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