Encouraged by the Editor to write what I think even if it alienates the majority of readers, provokes sackfuls of hate mail and ultimately costs me this column, I should at least earn the unqualified support of environmentalists and health experts around the world when I state that I would, except in two specific instances, ban all buggies.
Before I launch into a withering attack on the infernal things let me say that the principal exception is on clear medical grounds where, without a buggy, the individual would not be able to play golf at all.
Since golf was never intended to be anything other than a heroic struggle in the face of overwhelming adversity, the mere fact that a buggy would make it easier for an individual to play would not, in my humble submission, be sufficient grounds to allow its use.
To be permitted to use a buggy, a golfer would need to demonstrate that, without one, he or she would have to give up the game.
The only other circumstance in which I would allow a buggy is for the delivery of alcoholic relief to those of us wearily struggling up hills in appalling heat and developing powerful thirsts because we’re no longer permitted to ride in one.
Walking is an integral part of the game of golf. Reducing or removing it is equivalent to forbidding darts players to drink.
If you’ll pardon the expression, the point of darts is to have a few drinks and a laugh. Similarly, golf is all about enjoying fresh air, good company and healthy exercise.
Take away the exercise and you are left with a shell of a sport that could just as easily take place on a driving range. If you want to play a sedentary game, take up dominos.
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Ban the golf cart: Are they an insidious threat to our well-being?
Like most insidious threats to the well-being of our society, buggies (golf carts) were born in the United States where walking is regarded as a deviant, crypto-communist activity likely to undermine the automotive base of the economy and damage the financial interests of Trump’s friends in the oil industry.
That’s why when you visit an American course and ask if it’s okay to walk, they look at you as if you were the reincarnation of Karl Marx.
It is no coincidence that the USA leads the world in obesity and that the population of America is, by my reckoning, collectively at least 5.4 billion pounds overweight, which is more easily understood as 385,714,280 stone.
Over there, of course, they call them golf carts (pronounced “cats”) and laugh uncontrollably when someone from this side of the pond says “buggy.”
Although they invented buggies, we invented golf and so our nomenclature should have precedence. Anyway, the powerful, pro-buggy lobby in the States argues that they speed up play, which we all know is arrant nonsense.
Yes, buggy-borne players may appear to travel faster down the fairway, but however many seconds this saves are soon lost as the non-striker sits and watches his playing partner take a practise swing… hit … replace the divot… replace his club in the bag… and get back in the buggy so that they can now drive over to his ball.
Parking the buggy between the two doesn’t work either because both players, assuming they are able to overcome an innate fear of walking, are almost invariably unsure which club they are going to take and prefer, therefore, to sit tight.
The only genuine argument in favour of buggies is that they earn clubs revenue. However, one of the main reasons clubs need more revenue is to finance the expensive lease arrangement they have on the buggies, pay for their fuel and upkeep, expand the buggy shed and repair the cracks in the buggy path.
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Global warming is probably the single greatest threat to mankind and yet tens of thousands of golfers go out every day and waste colossal amounts of precious energy simply because they are too damned lazy to walk.
As it is, our game has a tough time persuading environmentalists that golfers are genuinely concerned about protecting the planet. Needlessly polluting the atmosphere does our cause no good at all.
With their stinking fumes, noisy engines and screeching tyres, buggies also spoil things for the overwhelming majority of us who seek peace and tranquillity when playing the Royal and Ancient game.
Buggies flatten the grass and compact the soil and the ghastly buggy paths not only scar a course, but their unwanted presence also introduces the unwelcome hazard of freak and ridiculous bounces, which are capable of reducing a par five to an inaccurate drive and a three-quarter wedge.
There is also the very serious matter of safety to consider. Rather like those who like to drive them, buggies are essentially unstable. Steep slopes and wet grass exacerbate the problem, which can literally be lethal.
Having witnessed two serious buggy accidents, I’ve no desire to see another. The first happened in Portugal and was the more upsetting as my partner and I were four up just past the turn when one of our opponents was trapped beneath their buggy and subsequently taken to hospital.
Although his wounds soon healed, I still haven’t quite got over the disappointment of having my chances of victory completely buggied up.
Now have your say
What do you make of Clive’s golf cart ban? Let us know with a comment on X.
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