Sharing her sexual problems with us

IVE got a problem with sex. No, I havent just started writing an entirely new type of column, inviting agony-aunt-style letters. Ive got a problem with the concept of sex and golf, and how the former is increasingly being used to promote the latter.

I started these musings upon reading Natalie Gulbis had reportedly been paid 50,000 to compete in the Australian Ladies Open with the winners cheque a mere 30,000.

Lady Golfer examined the topic in depth within the last issue and a very well worthwhile feature it was too. Because, to me, what happened in Australia just seems inherently wrong. How can someone be paid nearly twice as much as the winner just for turning up and looking cute?

In actual fact, I have a problem with appearance money full stop. At least Tiger Woods pulling power is due to his prowess on the course, but I was still horrified to read somewhere that he was paid ,000,000 just to turn up and play in some tournament or other. I am a huge Tiger fan, largely because of the way he conducts himself, but I still found that sickening.

At least, unlike the preening, posturing arrogance of our footballers, (who, lets face it, are mere also-rans on the world stage) Tiger is in a league of his own. Yet, whenever he is interviewed, he always displays the utmost dignity and humility.

Natalie cannot yet draw vast golfing crowds for her fairway performances alone, so I do not think turning players into sex kittens is necessarily beneficial for the game. It simply demeans what the other players are trying to achieve. And, lets be honest, do we really want to start attracting the type of galleries containing men in raincoats shouting Show us your chip and run or Get your wedge out?

And lets look at it from another perspective. I enjoy watching the rhythm and timing of Colin Montgomeries swing. However, that doesnt necessarily mean I have any desire to see him in a thong!

In actual fact, once the crowds who had initially followed Natalie round saw how mediocre her performance was, they did apparently abandon her in favour of tournament leader (and eventual winner) Karrie Webb.

So, at least for the moment, going to a golf tournament in order to watch and appreciate good golf is the main driving force. The lap-dancing club can always be visited on the way home. I say that because another golfer has taken things a stage further. Someone handed me a newspaper cutting about Sophie Sandolo, the 30-year- old Italian who plays on the Ladies European Tour.

You might have seen a picture of her at the start of LGs Should Sex Sell? feature last month. Here again, I have a problem. Glamour to me means a gorgeous, expensive evening dress with lavish jewellery to match. Taste and style, without even a hint of cleavage. Theres a name for people who sell their bodies for sex, and glamour doesnt come into the title at all.

The caption said: She swings into action bare-breasted in a lacy shawl, holding a club in her gloved hand.

I cant help wondering if I sewed a collar onto one of these shawls, whether it would pass the dress code restrictions, since Ive never noticed the mention of the necessity of underwear or material in the rules. Somehow, I suspect I would be making a visit to the secretarys office in record time even by my standards!

That said, I must confess that when I was approached about taking all my clothes off on the course last autumn, I agreed.

I also admit I then spent a certain amount of time in front of the mirror sticking out all the bits that need to be stuck out, and sucking in all the bits that dont. I concluded that a few visits to the gym were probably in order.

Someone at my club came up with the idea of a charity golf calendar.

Unfortunately, in the ensuing months, there has been a veritable glut of WI- style naked sporting calendars, so to be a little different, we decided to make it based on the rules of golf.

For example, I spent no little time scouring the fairways for a suitable branch for a caption like Can I move this branch on my backswing?. But photo shoots are not for the faint hearted. Theres no point in asking, Does my bottom look big in this? when your only protection is a leaf and a twig.

Surprisingly, there were many initial volunteers, probably because, unlike Ms Sandolo, modesty was assured. Dignity is an entirely different matter, but in the aid of a good cause, a certain amount of humiliation is acceptable.

At least it provided some amusing rule interpretations, and I have discovered my forte is undoubtedly a combination of free imagination and a wicked sense of humour. Now, where have I put my novelty baboons bottom headcover? It might just come in handy...