Golfers and fashion, not a pretty sight!

MERE mortals like myself who dont yet have Sky TV spend a lot of time following tournaments such as the Ryder Cup on Ceefax while listening to events on Radio 5 Live.

However, sometimes the experience of radio is well worth it. Just such an occasion occured during the matches between Europe and America in September when I heard the wonderful story about a dog who was walked on a golf course every day.

Apparently, one day the dog became very ill, and it transpired that he had 28 golf balls in his tummy, weighing a whopping six pounds! That brought back many memories of my old Labrador, Bingley, who was a wonderful golf ball finder.

Bingley had an uncanny sense of being able to sniff out golf balls from anywhere. We didnt live near a course, but every year when we went on holiday, he just came into his element, and saw it as his duty to find balls. As soon as we arrived at the hotel, he went into overdrive.

The hotel had a par-three course, and while walking anywhere in the vicinity, he would suddenly start trying to climb trees, scrabbling in stone walls and disappearing into impenetrable thickets. He never failed, even when we tried to convince him he had to be wrong.

Unfortunately, he would only give his prize up in exchange for food and then you had to be really quick to pounce on the ball, or you would lose both food and the ball forever but every year when we went away, I managed to completely replenish my practice bag.

Mention of the Ryder Cup reminds me of a fabulous European victory. More than anything, though, it reminds me of the clothes! I have decided that golfers shouldnt be allowed to design golfing attire.

They should be designed by normal people because lets face it, those of us who devote half our lives to chasing a white ball round a field for hour upon hour in the most atrocious weather automatically disqualifies us from being normal!

Im all for equality in all sorts of ways, but not when it comes to dress. I still like to see a man looking manly. Lilac and pink shirts just dont do it for me. OK, our boys played brilliantly, and we had a fantastic result, but power dressing for the 1st tee should be taken seriously.

I dont for one minute want to make a statement like those never-to-be-forgotten American shirts at Brookline which featured past winners. But, they did seem to do the trick of intimidating the opposition and they will never be forgotten. The same cannot be said of our pretty in pastel attire.

Actually, I did hear a rumour that the pink shirts were a tribute to Darren Clarkes wife, and given the emotionally charged atmosphere, I obviously wouldnt dream of belittling that. So I will save my sentiment for the pale purple posse.

The blue-and-yellow badge of the Europeans features strong colours, and Im sure with a little imagination, a variety of thematic arrangements could be achieved for the three days blue shirts with striking yellow flashes down the sides, or down the sleeves, would be both dramatic and distinctive.

It would also avoid future situations like this years second day when both sides were attired in the same colour and it was virtually impossible to tell which side was actually taking the shot.

Its just a good job I?was only watching the highlights on BBC with knowledge of the result, otherwise I would have been willing the Europeans to miss!

Golfing attire also seems to follow its own set of fashion rules that just dont apply in the outside world.

For instance, I once made the fatal mistake of setting off from home for a match in my comedy Eric Morecambe county shorts, rather than changing at the club. Alas, I met a friend en route, who informed me (once the laughter had stopped) that I looked like Miss Marple!

Nothing on earth would possess anyone to dress like that in the real world, so why do golfers?

If you ask me, the only purpose knee-length shorts achieve is to make 30-year-olds look like 60-year-olds.

Golfing pullovers dont fare much better. I have to admit I have a wardrobe full of pullovers, because in the days when Open Days were a vital way of securing away cards for handicap purposes, the by-product was that I also happened to win quite a few best-gross prizes.

And in my defence, after youve got your clubs, bags and shoes sorted, theres little else to exchange prizes for in pro shops, so I always ended up getting pullovers.

Initially, it was Lyle & Scott  which seemed to shrink dramatically, even though my mother vehemently denied it.

However, my suspicions were confirmed when my elderly neighbour, whose waist was the same size as one of my legs, started to appear in my beloved diamond patterns!

Then it was Pringle. The full realisation that golfers and Pringle pullovers are inextricably linked hit me when a friend of mine had his festive outdoor snowman kidnapped, with a ransom note attached to the door saying that it would only be returned if he promised never to wear Pringle in public again.

It would perhaps give you an insight into my life, and the kind of people I associate with, if I add that the note was accompanied by a photo showing the snowman being held captive in a centrally heated room, in front of a fire!

I hear that Ian Poulter has turned to golf clothing design, but I have to admit, thats a frightening concept in itself.

He might be young, and in some eyes trendy, but I cant imagine many people wanting to wear the outfits for which he became famous, either on or off the course.

I just want to keep the men manly, the women young-looking, rather than fusty-looking, the golfers doing what they do best  golfing, and clothes designers designing.

And never should the twain meet!