Lamenting the lack of golfing hunks

WELL, they say attack is the best form of defence, so its time for the correspondent from Cromer who took me to task in the February issue to brace herself!

Actually, no, I wouldnt do that, but her aversion to my article about winning friends and influencing people has given me plenty of food for thought.

I did actually point out at the time that I had made some of my best and most valued friends through golf, and I have now decided upon reflection that golfers fall very neatly into three sections.

The first third are like my friends marvellous, salt of the earth people whom you could trust with anything. Then there are a third whom I dont know well enough (if at all) to pass opinion on.

And finally there are the third who like nothing better than to get together to bring down whoever the poor unfortunate soul of the day happens to be. It was this latter group to whom I wished to say yah boo sucks to you and still do!

I have also discovered that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword. It never ceases to amaze me how brave I become with a pen in my hand.

Fortunately, the only people who have ever confronted me face to face about my columns have been extremely complimentary, which is marvellous.

However, all it would take is the first person to say, Oi you, Winnett and proceed to tear strips off me, and Im sure I would just dissolve into a little heap.

Give me a pen, though, and Im ready to take on all comers! No group is safe from my acerbic wit, and everybody becomes fair game as far as Im concerned.

Well, I say everybody, but until I have the courage to poke fun at a one legged, drug taking, cross dressing, ethnic minority midget from a dubious religious sect, I cant claim to have had the full set.

However, as my palette is a little more discerning than bread and water for long stretches of time, and I have no desire to recreate a shower scene from Prisoner Cell Block H, I think Ill stick to making golfing elements my targets.

Golfers are generally less likely to sue unless, of course they come from the bottom third of the golfing fraternity, and then Im in big trouble!

The other weighty question which has given me plenty of food for thought in recent months is, where have all the golfing hunks gone?

It was very simple as I was growing up every woman, in every golf club in the country, swooned over Seve.

But since his demise (not literally, I hasten to add) who have we got to fill his shoes?

Lets face it, football has got David Beckham; rugby has Johnny Wilkinson, and if you dont mind men shaving their legs, living under the orange glow of fake tan and spending more time in the hairdressers than you do yourself, Gavin Henson; tennis has Rafael Nadaal (making allowances for his shorts, you cant help staring at his biceps); even cricket has an idol in the twinkletoed former England batsman Mark Ramprakash, recently of dancing fame.

But who is there in golf? The Darrens, Ernies and Montys of this world are all absolutely delightful, but without any offence intended, they are not likely to slip seamlessly onto the silver screen once the best of their golfing days are behind them.

I suppose theres Luke Donald, but I dont possess a single maternal bone in my body and even I want to put my arm round him and say, Oh bless whenever I see him!

Admittedly, I dont have Sky TV yet, so my available viewing is limited to the Wentworth World Matchplay, the Masters and the Open, and therefore, perhaps someone has slipped under the radar without my noticing.

We are constantly told what a good physique Tiger has, but he seems to be very good at keeping it hidden.
Theres enough material in his trousers to create a spare beer tent if one is rendered out of action, and I have yet to see a hint of the famous six pack.

Incidentally, how come men seem to be able to find shirts that still fit, when ladies shirts have become a foot shorter in recent years?

See a picture of a man swinging in a magazine, and theres not even a glimpse of a hairy tummy, but look at any picture of a girl in action, and its like subscribing to Navel Weekly these days!

In fact, it was this image in recent editions of Lady Golfer which turned my thoughts to the lack of eye candy for the average red-blooded female reader.

I know this is a ladies golfing magazine, and thus lady golfers are quite rightly going to feature heavily in it, but, I think there is still room for - wait for it a Golfing Hunk of the Month page!

Now, I know I havent run this past Mickey Walker, but as she shares the same initials as me, shes bound to see things my way.

My office-based colleagues, notably Chris Bertram and Dan Murphy, have probably just picked themselves up off the floor at this moment, but theyre always looking for novel ways to expand the magazine, so it looks like Ive come up trumps again!

Readers could send photos in of their own golfing hunk, and Id be more than happy to sacrifice myself to the arduous task of sifting through all the entries to come up with a worthy winner each month.

And lets face it, what more perfect way could I have come up with to start winning friends and influencing people again?!

Editors note: Well get back to you on this one Madeleine. Dont call us, well call you...