Is patience a virtue?

Did you know that Eucalyptus leaves are so low in energy, koalas  sleep for 20 hours a day? Now, I know I’m a bit reluctant to get out of bed in a morning, but that does sound a little excessive, even for me.

However, if you were only awake for four hours a day, it would mean you would have to prioritise extensively. For example, some people wouldn’t even be able to complete a round of golf in that time.

On a recent course review, as I was about to set off on my round, my hostess said she would see me in four hours. I assured her I would see her well before then – and we were duly reunited in well under three.

On the other hand, when I went to review another course, it took 45 minutes to play the first two holes alone. Admittedly, I was behind a large society, but there is only so much view-gazing and listening to birdsong that you want to do before you play your next shot – just ask Andrew Coltart who resorted to a spot of sun-bathing  during The Open at St Andrews a few years ago!

After four or five holes, I was losing the will to live, so I decided to give up and try again the next day.

My sixth form report said: “Madeleine must learn that patience is a virtue.” Well, sorry Mrs Hopkins, but it doesn’t seem to have kicked in yet!

I was going to say that if you are a beginner, it will obviously take you longer to play 18 holes than a strong player – like a professional. Then I thought about all the five-and-a-half-hour rounds in professional golf these days and decided ability is not the determining factor in pace of play.

In fact, if you take lots of shots, it makes the game far more interesting. If you take five or six shots to reach the green you feel like you’ve had value for money.

I have played with many silver division players, as the 36-handicappers have been piling up behind us. I have even played with one 36-handicapper who took an eternity from the moment she addressed her ball to when she actually hit it, but then ran between all her shots to make up for lost time, which was quite disconcerting.

I almost felt guilty for walking, so found myself breaking into an unconscious trot every now and then, just to show solidarity.

Once, we had a sports psychologist as part of our county coaching who made us hit the ball within a second of addressing it.

The overall effect was largely disastrous as county players had to abandon engrained pre-shot routines and began spraying balls everywhere as this new speed hitting took them well outside their comfort zones.

However, if I could persuade my running 36-handicapper to adopt the one-second-only-before-hitting rule, instead of what seemed like three minutes, I bet she would then be able to get round in an hour!

And if you were only awake for four hours a day, that would be a significant benefit.

While I was prioritising my day, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about making time for eating and drinking. I am renowned for the amount of provisions I consume on a course.

Whenever I am pondering the virtues of a new bag, I am never swayed by how many clothes compartments there are or whether there are soft valuables pockets. I am only worried about how much food and drink I can cram in.

Frequently on the 1st tee people don’t ask me what ball I am playing with, they ask if I have got all my sandwiches, bananas, cereal bars, dried fruit, dextrose tablets etc.

The only down side is that I sometimes forget when an errant morsel has lain dormant in my bag for a long time.

Not too many people experience the surreal feeling of plunging their fingers into the remnants of a nine-month-old banana that would usually require forensic testing to determine what it was. I have gone through this unedifying experience on more than one occasion, and don’t recommend it.

Other people have been known to combine their rounds with moments of passion in the woods. Personally, I’d need to be member of a club where they were very straight hitters before I could even contemplate such a thing.

I have had a round of applause in the bar before now, but thankfully it was for my performance on the fairways rather than off them!

As someone who is very good at multi-tasking, though, (as are most women I know) I’m coming to the conclusion that an awful lot can be achieved in a very short space of time when you put your mind to it.

On balance, therefore, I think koalas might have things about right. But they might not make interesting pets!