Celebrating a notable anniversary. Sort of

THIS happens to be my 39th column for Lady Golfer, which doesn’t actually mark any memorable anniversary, it just surprised me when I noticed it, since to have escaped more than three years without getting sacked, or even arrested, after all the people I’ve managed to upset, is probably quite remarkable.

It also surprised me that I have managed to keep coming up with things to write about – especially as I’ve never tried to think of a topic. Something just seems to pop into my head out of the blue. And this month I had a double whammy.

First of all, I was reading about the ladies from Stafford Castle in the November issue of LG who were marooned in Tewkesbury during the summer floods, and had to be rescued by council skips and low loaders from their golfing break. Then, soon after, I was walking past the piano at home and spotted a copy of ‘Captain Noah and his Floating Zoo.’ (For those of you who were wondering, no, I’m not a complete Philistine, and I do consider myself to be quite musical in my spare time.)

One reference to Noah might have passed me by, but I couldn’t ignore the second invitation, as it must have been a sign. It was time I gave the Noah story a little bit of modernisation – and Winnett-isation! In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Norah, who was now living in England, and said, “I’m becoming frustrated about the state of the ladies’ game and the lack of cards being submitted, and I see an end of golf before me. You have got all summer to submit three qualifying cards before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

At the end of the summer, the Lord looked down and saw Norah weeping in her garden. “Norah”, he roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where are the cards?

“Well,” she replied, “I tried to play on a Sunday, and I signed the list weeks in advance, but because I hadn’t dated it when I signed, I wasn’t able to play. So I tried to play on the Tuesday instead, and signed the list, but because I hadn’t signed up seven days in advance, I wasn’t able to play.

“Then, when I tried again the following week, I signed the list, dated it, filled in my card, paid my money and signed the envelope with my money in it – but I didn’t sign the book – so I wasn’t able to play. Then I had a brainwave. I thought I would put an Extra Day card in, so I signed all the lists, signed all the books and put my card in, but then I was told that since I was category 1, I wasn’t able to play.

“Then I tried to enter a competition again. I signed all the papers I could find in the locker room, and the inside of the toilet door as well, just to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. But I had no idea if I was supposed to be playing off ½ handicap, ¾ handicap, 7/8 handicap, or full handicap since the rules keep changing – and I picked the wrong one, so I wasn’t able to play.

“Determined not to be put off, I decided to try again. I managed to fend off the cramp in my hand from signing my name so many times, to put in a good score. But I hadn’t realised that my handicap had changed from the Away Day that I had played in the week before, when I thought I knew what the Standard Scratch was.

“I’d filled in all the paperwork after I returned home – and the book and list as well, just in case I had missed anything – but as I hadn’t driven the 40 miles back for the prize giving, I hadn’t realised that the Competition Standard Scratch had apparently moved when the last two players came in with 49 points each, thus moving me out of my buffer zone. So I wasn’t able to play.

“Then the season of ladies’ prize days kicked in, so everyone was playing with 13 clubs, seven clubs, five clubs, hidden partners, double points on hidden holes, legs tied together or one arm tied behind their back – just as long as it rendered a competition non-qualifying. So I wasn’t able to play.

“As a final desperate effort, I spent an hour scrutinising every notice in the locker room to try to find an Open Day to play in, but they had all turned into team events, so I wasn’t able to play. So forgive me Lord, but it would take at least three years for me to finish the task you set me.”

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun came out and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Norah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the game of golf?

“No,” said the Lord. “CONGU beat me to it!”