Top 10: Warning signs that you are obsessed with golf
Obsessed with golf or perfectly normal? Maybe your nearest and dearest are best placed to answer.
1) Train it, trust it
Despite not having had a lesson for the past decade you are constantly working away on the various moves that make your swing what it is. If your wardrobe mirror could speak it would relay endless tales of you perfecting the ‘first move’, first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
Similar offences include an inability to carry an umbrella in everyday life without tuning in your swing, working on creating some ‘lag’ in a swimming pool and just checking your grip fundamentals with a spatula.
2) You will sit through the Sir Bobby Robson Celebrity Classic (and the outtakes)
First things first I, like everyone else, loved Sir Bobby and this is in no way personal – but there’s no need to watch every last drop of his or anyone else’s golf day down at Vilamoura or the like on Sky Sports 4. You’re not going to make any progress by checking out Mick McCarthy’s swing or learning that Roy Evans is dangerous off 18 but you will still be camped on the settee while the rest of the world ticks by.
If you are in this deep you almost certainly Sky+ the Trilby Tour and have a back catalogue of Shell’s Wonderful World of Golf to get through, including the one where Faldo takes on Lehman at Royal Westmoreland in Barbados.
3) ‘I’m carrying my 6-iron 178 these days’
Gapping issues play an unhealthy amount of time on your psyche. What seems like days pass by before you come to the conclusion that your 4-iron can finally make way for that 22˚ hybrid – ‘it just gives me a few more options’ – and that, should you tweak your 5-wood down to 16˚, you can sneak another wedge in the bottom end of the bag.
4) ‘From concept to completion’
Weddings/family get-togethers/anything that takes place outside will bring out your inner Harry Colt. You’ve always fancied yourself as a bit of a course architect and any outdoor space is quickly eyed up with a view to turning it into something with a flag at the end of it.
While everyone else is catching up on your Aunty Margaret’s recent health concerns your mind is already working on some initial designs for a par 3 here or maybe a risk-and-reward 4 there.
5) Your course radar is always on
You struggle to hold a normal conversation when an unexpected flag comes into view while driving your car. Your head begins to revolve like an owl at the prospect of glimpsing another hole and, before you know it, you are fumbling your way through the Points of Interest on your SatNav to try and nail down the name of the course.
6) ‘But it’s the Shriners Hospitals for Children Open..’
You have more than an adequate grasp of both European and PGA Tour schedules (you will be on holiday for the AT&T) and the Major dates have been indelibly inked on your subconscious from the time the Gulf Swing has got underway.
You visibly wince at the prospect of doing anything social in the second week of April, and that means from the Monday onwards, and mentally concede that you may have to do something social on the Friday of the US Open.
7) Part of you wants to be like Bryson
You’ve just turned 50, are weighing in at close to 16 stone and your handicap has just slipped back to 21. But you still spend elements of every week pondering what effect cutting all your irons down to the same length (37.5 inches), getting the lies and bounce also the same and taking the wrists out of the swing, just like Mr DeChambeau.
And, while we’re at it, I think I’d look pretty good in the Hogan cap.
8) You know who John Hawksworth is
And Robert Damron for that matter…
9) You hoard splintered bits of wood
Broken tee pegs can be found in every room in every pair of trousers, every room in your house and every compartment of your car. Likewise there is an overflow of scorecards which you can’t help but pick up and relive (for too long) the events of that day. Your course planners, meanwhile, are stored alphabetically.
10) Your Desert Island book is Rotella..
Golf Is Not A Game Of Perfect, obviously.