Why I’m more confused than ever about Tiger Woods

There was once a character in the Fast Show who never had a fully-formed opinion of his own. In a bid to fit in with everyone else Indecisive Dave would stand at the bar and flit from one bad thought to another before crumpling in a mental heap.

For the past 20 years I’ve considered myself the golfing version of Dave, not knowing what I really think of Tiger Woods. I can honestly say I’ve never wanted him to win a single Major, not through any dislike but simply that I always want the underdog.

For one Sunday ever I have got behind the likes of Bob May, Woody Austin or Chris DiMarco. In the same way my teenage years were spent generally roaring on Doug Mountjoy instead of Steve Davis, Jocky Wilson and not Eric Bristow.

Then a part of me wonders why I deny myself some viewing happiness; Woods was always going to win more than anyone, why couldn’t I just enjoy the ride? Why couldn’t I see the bigger picture, look past the dreadful trousers and bland answers and just be pleased for him?

The modern me sees things slightly differently; I now love the big boys (or girls) in sport and I couldn’t think of anyone I’d like to win a Major more than McIlroy or Spieth. Maybe they’re more personable than Tiger, maybe I’ve grown up a bit.

We’re now into Tiger – Phase 2, I can like him and pretend that I always have. Like Tiger I can change my ways. But, like Dave, I just don’t know how to behave…

Tiger’s back! Oh lordy, the GOAT is BACK! Look at him go, he’s a beast. He’s a gladiator, he’s a warrior, he’s Tiger.

Who else could not play a competitive round for 466 days and rocket to the top of a leaderboard that includes most of the best players on the planet. And Emiliano Grillo. How did Grillo get an invite?

Why’s he sweating so much? Why is nobody else sweating?

He’s even hitting the stinger. And with the 3-wood. He said he could hit all the shots ‘on call’, and here he is.     ‘Leave it one yard,’ he barks as he drills a mid iron in to kick-in range at the 8th. He’s leading. ‘Attaboy Tiger, go get em!

Why can’t he get the club twirl right? He always gets the club twirl right.

What price is he for the Masters? Just think how much better than everyone he’ll be in four month’s time.     All the pain and misery of the past, let’s be honest, eight years can now be forgotten. He’s back. He’ll win every tournament by 12, just like he did at Augusta..

But he’s not won the Masters since 2005. He’s drawn a blank for the past 10 years and this on a course that was redesigned just for him.

Here we go, he’s eagled! I love the new Tiger, I love the new me. I love life! I should always try and feel this positive, it’s so much better for the soul.

Can you imagine all the eagles he’s going to make at Augusta? How many par 5s are there at Erin Hills? Where is Erin Hills?

Oh god, he’s flubbing chips again. He said he was vulnerable, this is what he must have meant. Yep, there it is in the slo-mo, he’s too steep and there’s too much leading edge. I’ll just check Twitter to back up my theories which are based solely on what the commentator tells me.

Look how controlled the swing looks. And he’s not dipping his head as much which means he loses his height and that means, err, he doesn’t hit the ball quite as well. Look how lean he looks. If I knew what glutes were I’d say they were being activated. He’s even got some nice new shoes on.

Here we go, his driving’s gone now. Everything’s going left, he’s too tight now. Hank Haney warned us about this in his book, he hates the driver and he’s only just started using this one. And he doesn’t really know how to make the most of the adjustability on offer.

What’s that, Woods has only beaten two players? Stay positive Mark, Tiger will be alright, he’s Tiger, he won 14 Majors.     The old faithful Scotty will brush in the par putts. Pars are great at the US Open and level usually gets the job done there. What price the Grand Slam in ’17?

Don’t go left at the last, hit the stinger, leave the driver where it is, they’re all bailing out down the right. Oh god, what have you done now…