Tiger Ryder Cup watch: see our minute-by-minute updates below…
Tiger Ryder Cup watch: Thursday September 29, 1600 – the opening ceremony
More questions than answers for Tiger Watch following the opening ceremony.
Firstly, who built the stage and why wasn’t it big enough? The surname lottery meant the Ws were very much on the periphery of things (Chris Wood and Jimmy Walker couldn’t even wave to the crowd) and that is where our man has been all week.
Which raises a second question: is our injury-prone hero carrying a mystery illness or two?
He has had a few according to the Golf Channel. I know you can’t be bothered clicking through, so here is a summary:
- 2002 Start of ACL issues
- 2010 Bulging Discs
- 2011 Start of Achilles issues
- 2013 Sore Elbow
- 2014 Start of back issues
- 2015 Inactive Glutes (no me neither)
- 2015 Disc Fragment
Here at Tiger Watch we are wondering if we can now add to that list:
2016 Beef Sweats
Has the ubiquitous Andrew Johnston brought Tiger out in a healthy flood of the meat sweats?
What is clear is that the role of chief strategist clearly does not extend to choice of shirt colour. As any of us prone to perspiration know, light blue is just not getting it done:
When we will he say something? Is it actually Tiger? Is it a droid?
I am hoping he finds his voice soon, because this is getting hard.
Tiger Ryder Cup Watch: Thursday September 29, 1122
Pictures have emerged of a piece of paper Tiger was clutching while running back to the American team room yesterday afternoon. The images are hazy, but here is our artist’s impression:
An insider on the European team said: ‘We aren’t reading too much into this – as if Patrick Reed doesn’t have mayo on his butties.’
Jimmy Walker seemed to indicate it may have been a spoof, a piece of satire perhaps: ‘I hope guys are asking him to run and get stuff for them, even if they don’t want it.’
So perhaps we should take these food orders with a pinch of a salt, as a tongue-in-cheek joke, as clearly that is how it was intended.
Tiger Ryder Cup Watch: Wednesday September 28, 1124
Tiger was spotted last night walking the course with Patrick Reed. Our expert lip-readers analysed the dialogue between the pair:
Tiger: So I am your POD leader. First things first, We need to talk about this wearing red thing
Tiger: That is sort of my thing, so it is a bit well, erm awkward
Patrick: But I am, loosely speaking, the 3rd best player in the world and you are 754th, so…
Tiger: Hang on, Poulter says it is just me and him
Patrick: Right so it is you, Poulter, then me?
Tiger: Erm, yes I am suppose that will do.
Patrick: I am glad we cleared that up.
Tiger’s phone buzzes
Tiger: Hi Davis, yep, yep, Ryan who? No I have no analysis, who is he?
Patrick: (Finger to lips) Shhhhhh
Tiger Ryder Cup Watch: Tuesday September 27, 1601
Tiger Woods – now that is embarrassing. If you turn up looking like a Funcle at a wedding then expect to be deselected from the groups photos. When that happens, don’t let it happen again. Oh you have. Pardon me while I look at my shoes. Now you are laughing nervously, it’s making it worse, please stop.
Tiger Woods getting kicked out of the Ryder Cup team photo. pic.twitter.com/2dMyetC5Ra
— Bunkers Paradise (@BunkersParadise) September 27, 2016
It gets worse for Tiger. Of the many things he has been called over the years, fat is not one of them.
@GCTigerTracker tiger looking a little thick. Been hitting the carbs and weights hard or what?
— Mike Hennessey (@Gunther1212) September 27, 2016
We think he looks lovely, Mike, you meany.
Tiger Ryder Cup Watch: Tuesday September 27, sometime later
HE HAS APPEARED. THE GOAT HAS LANDED. But it seems he has missed a memo and turns up for a Team America Stag Do, possibly involving shooting.
He is not here for a fashion show though, he is here for hard statistical analysis. Here are some of the highlights of his work so far:
- Do not let Phil hit the even tee shots, ever, in the foursomes. In depth analysis of the 18th hole in the 2004 match up indicate this is an exceptionally bad idea.
- Make sure that we beat Garcia in every flight. He is the heartbeat of the European team taking him down will be a key stepping stone to victory. This analysis is in no way driven by any kind of personal vendetta or score settling. For the record.
Gold. Right there. F*ck Yeah. The greatest analyst of all time ever.
Tiger Ryder Cup Watch: Tuesday September 27, 1234
News is breaking that perhaps Tiger might not be the best person to counsel on fourball strategy as it emerges that he has in fact lost more fourball matches than anyone else, ever.
Undeterred by these trifling facts, Love calls Woods his “tactician,” and it sounds like he will be bringing a blimp so he can get that macro view “Tiger looks at things from maybe a little bit higher viewpoint than all of us sometimes,” Love said.
Meanwhile Rory says: “You miss the buzz he creates at tournaments, he brings an aura and an atmosphere to a tournament that no one else in golf can bring.”
So if the Ryder Cup is already the tournament with more atmosphere than a Labour party conference and now we have Tiger scattering ‘buzz’ from a blimp we really can expect fireworks, or more likely a comfortable European lead after the pairs.
Tiger Ryder Cup Watch: Monday September 26, 1456
No actual sign of Tiger as yet. Heartfelt tweets aside. So not much Tiger Woods watching to do.
The phoney war has started though and Tiger seems to be stuck in no man’s land. What is clear is that his major role seems to be putting people off, it is just a bit unclear who he will be putting off most, us or them:
Padraig Harrington, himself a vice captain, is certainly not clear. “Some of these rookies have never played with Tiger, never really experienced him. Clearly it could be off putting for either team,’ Harrington said.
Westwood has had his say and he doesn’t seem to know either. “I don’t know what impact there will be from having Tiger around, they have always struggled to find a partner for Tiger that’s been successful,” Westwood said.
“He could have an adverse effect in the team room. People have always seemed to try to do too much when they have partnered him. It might be different if he’s one of the vice-captains – you don’t know.”
Monty on the other hand seems to think that a cardboard cut out would have caused just as many problems, in fact he seems genuinely scared, which sort of explains a lot:
“Tiger will be there to put pressure on,” Montgomerie said. “It is a wise move of Davis. Just Tiger being on the tee it is different and it will be difficult for our rookies when he is standing there. You know Tiger is there, you know he is well up for it, the crowd will be there chanting Tiger’s name.”
He isn’t playing though Colin? So perhaps tell them not to worry?
So just to be clear Tiger will definitely be putting off someone we are just not sure who as yet. Probably everyone and definitely Monty. Indeed.