Alex Perry: I can’t think of anything better than touring the globe with my best mate playing the best golf courses.

Joe Urquhart: I’d love to have my best mate on the bag but he can’t count and would be absolutely useless when I needed yardages.

Mark Townsend: It would take someone very special to get the best out of me on the golf course. I have rarely played golf with my best mate – he shanks it a lot and wrapped my favourite ever club around a sapling in the late 90s – which rules him out. I have one friend who might fit the bill but he dislikes flying more than I do so every week would start and end in blind terror.

Alex Perry: So you’d have a pro caddie?

Mark Townsend: Yes, someone old and world weary. Or Michael Greller, that would be dreamy.

Alex Perry: How would you concentrate on your game if you kept getting lost in his eyes?

Steve Carroll: You could get lost in Fluff’s ‘tache instead.

Alex Perry: If I was taking a “proper” caddie from a current tour player it would without doubt be Greller.

Steve Carroll: I’m not sure I want to have a 10 minute discussion over every shot.

IAngelo Argea and Jack Nicklausf I could go back in time, Angelo Argea. Just carried the bag, gave out a yardage and sported a world class barnet.

Mark Townsend: Not an obvious match but I can see the appeal.

Alex Perry: I don’t remember a golf scene in Boogie Nights. Strong open collar look.

Mark Townsend: This is what they call a man’s man. Jack’s collar is also magnificent and knocks today’s clingy “apparel” into next week.

James Savage: I don’t trust any of my friends to caddie for me. Present company included. I’d rather have a complete stranger every week so they’d just think I was having an off day rather than just being a terrible golfer.

Tom Irwin: I have a regular caddie. He is a 4 handicap golfer, Cambridge blue at golf and cricket, former club captain, committee member. One of the most affable, intelligent, successful people I know. He provides excellent company and world class small talk. He is a terrible caddie.

James Savage: I stopped listening after “I have a regular caddie.”

Mark Townsend: “He is a 4 handicap golfer” – would have to be worse than me so no.

“Cambridge blue at golf and cricket” – definitely no.

“Former club captain” – massive no.

“Committee member” – on the big side of gargantuan no.

“One of the most affable, intelligent, successful people I know” – intimidating so no.

“He provides excellent company and world class small talk” – fair play, maybe.

“He is a terrible caddie” – someone to blame so yes please.

Tom Irwin: I would want a professional please – as would anyone, really. Or Danny Noonan from Caddyshack.

James Savage: Out of all the people in the office to caddie for me I’d pick Tom Irwin.

Tom Irwin: So would I.

James Savage: I said Tom Lenton from the sales team originally but thought about it again and decided he’d spend the entire time on his phone and give me the wrong clubs.

Tom Irwin: I have experienced this. He actually forgot to remove the flag he was tending because he was checking Tinder.

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