Top 10: The worst things to say on the golf course
We all know someone who just loves to make a comment before or after a pivotal moment in your round.
Whether you’ve got a daunting drive to hit or you’ve just missed a crucial putt to save par, you can always rely on someone to say something you’d rather not hear.
Take a look at 10 of the worse things to say during a round of golf and see if maybe you have been a victim of saying some of these yourself…
1) ‘Come on then, knock it in/show us how it’s done’
There are enough voices inside my head; willing me on, adding a note of caution and reminding myself to breathe without your banal little comments just as I’m about to hit my 10-foot putt. What do you think I’m trying to do?
2) ‘Do you know you’re one under?’
I’ve thought about nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing – my wife, my children, Euro 2016, Brexit, Celebrity MasterChef – over the past two hours.
It’s been like a noose around my neck ever since I birdied the 2nd.
This could be my day of all days but now you’re on to me and you’re going to encourage shots and get involved with my round and I’m going to let us all down.
A treble at 12 and a flurry of subsequent bogeys should get the job done.
3) ‘Five,yeah?’
You have just played your most efficient hole since 1987 – driver, fairway wood, bunker splash to three feet and rolled it in dead centre – and matey boy hasn’t got a clue what’s going on.
You mumble something about a birdie and there is an element of wonder/disbelief in his head so you have to then replay the hole out loud.
He still looks a bit perplexed so you arrive at the next tee convinced he thinks you’re a cheat.
4) ‘You’ve dropped your lipstick/does your husband play?’
This comic genius tends to come out after you’ve left a 20-foot putt something like four feet shy.
It’s not funny in the slightest but Mr Punchline is loving it and looking very pleased with himself.
You have to produce your best false laugh and that encourages him even further, he keeps staring at you as he throws in the second part of his joke before looking around for more pleased faces.
5) ‘How well did you hit it?’
You are in deep bund looking desperately for your Srixon 2. Why more questions? We are 20 yards right of the third cut of rough, I visibly crumpled in the seconds following the semi-shank, I haven’t spoken in the interim and everyone else is 50 yards further on down the fairway.
‘Not great..’
‘You’re not playing a Molitor are you?’
‘No’
6) ‘Take your time’
There are just 14 inches of golf left to play in this hole. Even me, and my fragile mind, haven’t conjured up a scenario where anything can go wrong.
There’s no break, no wind and the greens are running at 6. What’s he seen that I haven’t?
You wonder about marking and you do take your time which gives him just enough of a gap to throw in ‘don’t worry about my line’.
7) ‘That was my best drive’
Shut up. Stop commenting on your own shots. Shut up.
8) ‘Good for line/nice pace..’
You have either come up well short or misread the putt to the tune of finishing on the fringe but there is still a need to speak.
The thing about putting, you want to explain, is that line and length, much like bowling in cricket, is fairly crucial.
One goes with the other and you don’t get bonus marks for hitting it halfway but straight.
9) ‘Out of bounds left’
You’ve scoured the hole layout on the heavily advertised tee signage, had a glimpse to the back of the card and lasered the far tree.
And then, just as you are about to pull the trigger, this comment breaks the silence. Tugging it 40 yards left hadn’t been part of your course- management prep but now it is.
10) ‘No pictures on a scorecard’
Things To Stay On A Golf Course: No23. The last three hours have been spent watching him bounce out of the trees and now you’ve holed a 20-footer for par, the first putt over three feet that you’ve knocked in, he comes out with this trite nonsense.
Tom Irwin
Tom is a lifetime golfer, now over 30 years playing the game. 2023 marks 10 years in golf publishing and he is still holding down a + handicap at Alwoodley in Leeds. He has played over 600 golf courses, and has been a member of at least four including his first love Louth, in Lincolnshire. Tom likes unbranded clothing, natural fibres, and pencil bags. Seacroft in Lincolnshire is where it starts and ends.
