I NEED a hero, I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night. He’s got to be strong and he’s gotta be fast and he’s gotta be fresh for the fight. 

Not my words, the words of Bonnie Tyler. 

In truth I’m generally not too worried about the majority of the gravelly-voiced Welsh singer’s sentiments but I do need the first bit, the hero bit. 

For too long now I’ve been drifting listlessly from one Major to another, only really bound by a £2.50e/w speculator on the likes of Jason Bohn. Long gone are the days of Woosie, Seve, Ollie and, more recently, Monty where I could easily be moved to tears, and a hand-written letter (c/o the European Tour) to offer my teenage thoughts on their efforts.

For one weekend in 2009 I have never wanted anything more than a sixth Claret Jug for Tom Watson but this is a one-off, otherwise I watch unmoved.

Is it simply because my age now begins with a ‘4’ and grumpiness is quickly taking over? Possibly. 

Is it because I have new, more varied, interests? No.

So where is this new lighthouse in the gloom going to come from? I’m no glory hunter but he has to be in the world’s top 50 to guarantee some additional interest in the WGCs. So that rules out my most likely contenders, Robert Rock and Bradley Dredge.

And he has to be something I’m not – charismatic, gritty, with plenty of backbone and a wizard round the greens.

Is he on Twitter? I’m all for keeping up with the times but nobody cares what you had for lunch, or what car you are driving, or whether that car is in a traffic jam. Woosie would never tweet. A pity to bid such a quick farewell to the likeable likes of Westwood, Karlsson and Ogilvy but #nobodycareswhatyou’redoing

Out: Westwood, Donald, McDowell, McIlroy, Casey, Woods, Poulter, Watson, Molinari F, Karlsson, Mahan, Ogilvy, Rose, Yang, Fowler, Johnson Z, Kim, Choi, Crane, Villegas, Van Pelt, Wilson M

Other than a distant memory of a top 5 do I really know him? If I’m totally honest at least four of these could walk past me on the street, which is highly unlikely in Cleckheaton, and I wouldn’t recognise them

Out: Kyung-Tae Kim, Day, Moore, Ishikawa, Laird, Haas, Fujita, Ikeda 

Does he wear a white belt a little too often? Doesn’t need an explanation...

Out: Mickelson, Johnson D, Jimenez, Quiros, Oosthuizen, Schwartzel, Molinari E, Allenby

Do I start reading a newspaper when they open their mouth? I’m not after Oscar Wilde, twinned with Jose Mourinho, but I wouldn’t mind a little nugget every now and then

Out: Kuchar, Goosen, Clark, Fisher

Are they a little bit too robotic in their swing? What I’m really after is someone with a non-repetitive, untrustworthy action

Out: Kaymer, Stricker, Harrington, Watney 

Do they play in the Tavistock Cup? I’ll genuinely watch any golf on TV, even a very bad Bobby Davro-led charity day from Stoke Poges with an insight into DJ Spoony’s game. But not these sickening, far-too-pleased-with-themselves collection of beauts

Out: Scott, Hanson, Els

And the winner is... Jim Furyk. Quirky, interesting, funny, genuinely unfashionable and sleeps through his alarm. Everything you could wish for in a hero.